Jokes & Quotes For Ladies

[Evilhandedmrs]

I thought that Us ladies should start to post some of the jokes and quotes that we come across over Our Daily lives that put a little smile on our face or give us inspiration when we need it. So post away Ladies and lets have some fun.
Here are my first to get us started.

Now I lay me Down to sleep I pray the Lord My shape to keep.

Please no wrinkles Please no bags And please lift my butt Before it sags.


Please no age spots Please no gray And as for my belly, Please take it away.

Please keep me healthy Please keep me young,


And thank you Dear Lord


For all that you've done.



Five tips for a woman....

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.

2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other.


Foot Note:

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob:
'If we don't get some support soon, people will think we're nuts.'

[Evilhandedmrs]

Subject: The Southern Version of the Heimlich

Never Choke in a restaurant in the South

Two hillbillies walk into a bar. While having a shot of whisky, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. And, after a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'

The woman shakes her head no.

Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'

The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back t o the bar.

His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

[Evilhandedmrs]

Did you know that it's Beautiful Women Month?

Well it is and that means you !!!

I'm supposed to send this to FIVE BEAUTIFULWOMEN,

and you are one of them !!!

Below is a wonderful poem Audrey Hepburn wrote

when asked to share her "beauty tips.."

It was read at her funeral years later.

For attractive lips , speak words of kindness...

For lovely eyes , seek out the good in people.

For a slim figure , share your food with the hungry.

For beautiful hair , let a child run his/her fingers through it once a day.

For poise , walk with the knowledge that you never walk alone...

People, even more than things, have to be restored,

renewed, revived, reclaimed,and redeemed;

never throw out anyone.

Remember, if you ever need a helping hand,

you will find one at the end of each of your arms.

As you grow older,you will discover that you have two hands;

one for helping yourself, and the other for helping others.