"Cloudcity's joke of the day"

[cloudcity]

This is bloody funny, I thought I'd share it with you all. Please feel free to comment. Thanks.

THE GIRLFRIEND CONTRACT

I, THE UNDERSIGNED, AGREE THAT...

1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly
rolled on top of me and pumped away for five minutes, wheezing like an old
man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one. And it'll be a really good
act too, with me saying stuff like "Invaginate me Donkey Man!" and
howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a compass.
2. Should your mother call, I will not complain that you are a fat slob,
but rather uphold the illusion that you are a sophisticated, high earning,
clean, considerate and sexually generous modern man
3. I fully understand that a woman's main role in any relationship is to
take blame, provide daily solace and generally gratify. In the event of
any household or other problems or accidents, I agree that - by some complex
scientific equation incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even
if I wasn't there.
4. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girlie chat, I will tell
them that you are better hung than a John Holt.
5. And I will also mention this to YOUR friends conspiratorially e.g. "I
can hardly walk! Could his last girlfriend get it all in? I am worried I
may be too tight for his massiveness".
6. After sex, I will expect to be stroked to sleep.
7. I will never, ever give your penis a "cute" nickname. I will refer to
it respectfully as "sir" or "master", but mostly I will know it as
"ummmmslurpummmm".
8. In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position
you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there,
grinning.
9. I will ruthlessly interrogate my attractive female friends and inform
you if any of them have the slightest bisexual tendencies. Then I'll invite
them around for dinner. And hide their car keys so they have to stay.
10. I will never fart, belch or let my tummy rubble in an unladylike
manner either in your company or not.
11. I will uncomplainingly make all dinners, lunches and breakfast and be
grateful in the extreme if you kindly do the washing up.
12. I fully understand that the Internet is not a replacement for me or a
competitor or an addiction but a friend who is helping to strengthen and
improve our relationship. I will encourage your use of it and suggest
websites where you might be entertained.
13. During the regular oral sex I will perform on you - I will swallow
without being asked and do not mind my ears being held. I also understand
the instinctive urge to thrust and will facilitate this by holding my head
still
14. You are almost always right. The exception being certain Theological
matters which are not subject to logocentric proofs.
15. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or
colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if
men attempt to chat me up, I will solemnly inform them that you have
"ruined me for other men".
16. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computers and remote
control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a
fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you're in charge of the
lot. Except for the iron and the washing machine, of course.



Signed ____________________________________

Date ____________________

[cloudcity]

hello there everyone

I have decided to make this thread my own by posting at least one new joke every day. I will try my best at keeping you all entertained. I will try to make as many people happy as possible whilst trying not to offend anyone. This won't be easy but it should be fun.

Please check this thread as often as possible, no need to comment but if you laughed your ass off let me know - I need cheering up too sometimes.

so have fun everybody and I hope you enjoy my posts.

cloudcity

[tanstaafl]

CC, I thought it was funny also. Is it possible just to lease a girlfrined. You know after 3 years take her back to the bar and trade her in on a newer model with fewer miles and that new girlfriend smell.

[vitaex]

WOW.

I know someone in particular who would probably have them sign that.... UGH. How terrifying. Maybe I'm just too moral?

[countryboy45629]

I thought the contract was funny too......LOL

[cloudcity]

ch Support Request

Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the
new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of
space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was
included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs
itself into all other programs and launches during system
initialization where it monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run,
crashing the system whenever selected. I can not seem to purge Wife
1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0
but un-install does not work on this program. Can you help me?

- Jonathan Powell

Dear Jonathan Powell-
This is a very common problem men complain about but is mostly due to
a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to
Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES &
ENTERTAINMENT" program.

Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run
everything. WARNING DO NOT TRY TO: un-install, delete, or purge the
program from the system once installed. Trying to un-install Wife
1.0 can be disasterious. Doing so may destroy your hard and/or
floppy drive. Trying to un-install or remove Wife 1.0 will destroy
valuable system resources. You can not go back to Girlfriend 1.0
because Wife 1.0 is not designed to do this. Some have tried to
install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than
the original system. Look in your manual under Warnings-
Alimony/Child Support. Others have tried to run Girlfriend 1.0 in the
background, while Wife 1.0 is running. Eventually Wife 1.0 detects
Girlfriend 1.0 and a system conflict occurs, this can lead to a non-
recoverable system crash. Some users have tried to download simular
products such as Fling and 1NiteStand. Often their systems have
become infected with a virus. I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and
just deal with the situation.

Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the
entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must
assume all responsibility for faults and problems that might occur.
The best course of action will be to push apologize button then reset
button as soon as lock-up occurs. System will run smooth as long as
you take the blame for all GPFs. Wife 1.0 is a great program but is
very high maintenance.

Suggestions for improved operation of Wife 1.0
-Monthly use utilities such as TLC and FTD
-Frequently use Communicator 5.0

-Tech Support

[cloudcity]

Top 10 Things Your Girlfriend Will Never Say To You:

1. I just don't feel comfortable having sex unless the camcorder is on.

2. Let's rent a porn movie, get drunk, and have my friend Lindsay come over.

3. It's getting late, shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?


4. 50% off shoe sale? I don't have time, I have to run out and get your beer for the game tonight.

5. I love to swallow every drop, it tastes just like vanilla.

6. I know it is a lot tighter back there, but will you try it again anyway?


7. Honey, would you mind if I put my cheerleader uniform on over this lingerie you just bought me?


8. I liked all the housekeepers we interviewed today, but I think we should hire the one with the big tits.

9. I forgive you for sleeping with my sister. You're right, she does look just like me in that blue outfit. It was an honest mistake.

10. My parents just said we're allowed to have sex while we do our homework.

[cloudcity]

Ten things a guy would do if he woke up one day with a vagina.

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.
9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.
8. See if they could finally do the splits.
7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping-pong ball 20 feet.
6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.
5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10minutes...BEFORE closing time.
4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.
3. Go to the gynaecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.
2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too...
And, the NUMBER ONE thing men would do if they woke up with a vagina....
1. Finally find that damned G-spot.

[45lvr]

hahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahah(breath)hahahahaha ahahahahahahahahahhaha(breath)hahahahahaahahahahah ahahahahahah..............................i love this thread!

[Miss_Take]

"15. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or
colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if
men attempt to chat me up, I will solemnly inform them that you have
"ruined me for other men"."

That part of the contract cracked me up so hard.!!

the following post is hilarious too!!

i should come to this site every day if only for the laughs in this thread.

Top 10 Things Your Girlfriend Will Never Say To You:

1. I just don't feel comfortable having sex unless the camcorder is on.

2. Let's rent a porn movie, get drunk, and have my friend Lindsay come over.

3. It's getting late, shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?


4. 50% off shoe sale? I don't have time, I have to run out and get your beer for the game tonight.

5. I love to swallow every drop, it tastes just like vanilla.

6. I know it is a lot tighter back there, but will you try it again anyway?


7. Honey, would you mind if I put my cheerleader uniform on over this lingerie you just bought me?


8. I liked all the housekeepers we interviewed today, but I think we should hire the one with the big tits.

9. I forgive you for sleeping with my sister. You're right, she does look just like me in that blue outfit. It was an honest mistake.

10. My parents just said we're allowed to have sex while we do our homework.

[smithy]

Well Cloudcity I finally got around to reading this thread and I've got to say it took me fuckin ages....couldn't stop laughing ....well done bud great thread....

[cloudcity]

Thanks everyone, I like to keep things light. I have thousands of these types of jokes. I'd better post some more then.

5 Kinds of Sex

1.The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon
period, you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

2.The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the
marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.

3.The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit,
perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

4.The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each
other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!"

5.There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you
get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the
room.....

[cloudcity]

"101 THINGS NOT TO SAY DURING SEX...."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1. But everybody looks funny naked!
2. You woke me up for that?
3. Did I mention the video camera?
4. Do you smell something burning?
5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...
6. Try breathing through your nose.
7. A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!
8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
10. But whipped cream makes me break out.
11. Person 1: This is your first time..right?
Person 2: Yeah.. today
12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!
13. Can you please pass me the remote control?
14. Do you accept Visa?
15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.
17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!
18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?
20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
22. Do you get any premium movie channels?
23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just steam-cleaned
this couch!
25. Got any penicillin?
26. But I just brushed my teeth...
27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
29. I want a baby!
30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
34. I think you have it on backwards.
35. When is this supposed to feel good?
36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
37. You're good enough to do this for a living!
38. Is that blood on the headboard?
39. Did I remember to take my pill?
40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
41. I wish we got the Playboy channel...
42. That leak better be from the waterbed!
43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..
45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?
46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance..
47. No, really... I do this part better myself!
48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
49. This would be more fun with a few more people..
50. You're almost as good as my ex!
51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten
potatoes?
53. You look younger than you feel.
54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...
58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
60. What tampon?
61. Have you ever considered liposuction?
62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
64. I have a confession...
65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
68. Is that a hanging sculpture?
69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?
70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
72. Did you come yet, dear?
73. I'll tell you who I'm fanatasizing about if you tell me
who you're fantasizing about...
74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
75. Does this count as a date?
76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.
78. I think biting is romantic- don't you?
79. Q: You can cook, too right?
A: (Whaddaya think I'm doin'?)
80. When would you like to meet my parents?
81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really like...
Woman: Yourself?
82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.
84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.
85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a
light?
87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
88. Sorry but I don't do toes!
89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".
93. So that's why they call you MR. Flash!
94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
95. Is this a sin too?
96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...
99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?
101. You mean you're NOT my blind date?

[cloudcity]

"SEX LIFE"
~~~~~~~

It seems that when the good Lord was making the world,
he called man aside and bestowed upon him 20 years of
normal sex life. Man was disappointed, but the Creator
refused to budge.

The Lord called the monkey and gave him 20 years of
normal sex life also. "But I don't need 20 years,"
said the monkey. "Ten years is plenty." Man spoke up
and said, "May I have the other ten years?" The monkey
agreed.

The Lord called on the lion and also gave him 20 years.
The lion, too, only wanted 10 years, so again the man
spoke up and asked if he could have the lion's extra
10 years. The lion also agreed.

Then came the donkey, who was also given 20 years. Like
the others, 10 years was enough for him. Man again asked
for the spare 10 years, and he got them.

This explains why man has 20 years of normal sex life,
10 years of monkeying around, 10 years of lion about it,
and 10 years of making a jackass out of himself.

[cloudcity]

"HI LADIES...."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A young boy on his way home from school must pass a group of
hookers. Every day as he passes them, the hookers wave at him
with their pinkies and say 'Hi there, little boy.'

One day the boy stops and asks one of the hookers why they
always wave at him with their pinkies.

She replies, 'Well, that is what size we imagine your penis
to be... it is just a joke.'

The next day on his way home, the hookers repeat the tradition.
The young boy stops and drops his school books on the ground,
sticks all his fingers in his mouth to stretch his lips very
wide and says, 'Hi there ladies!'

[cloudcity]

"TOO BIG...."
~~~~~~~~

There was a young man who was so well-endowed that it was
bothering his knee. Three doctors and one nurse were in the
operating room to remedy the situation. The first doctor
said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the end." They discussed
it and decided that would affect his sensitivity. The second
doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk out of the middle
of it." They discussed it and decided it would change the
texture and feel of it. The third doctor said, "We'll just
take a big hunk off the base of it." They discussed it and
said that would give him erection problems. The doctors looked
at the nurse who had tears running down her cheeks. The nurse
cried, "Can't we just make his legs longer?"

[cloudcity]

A woman answers the door to a market researcher.

"Good morning madam, I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Do you
use it at all in your household?"

"Oh yes, all the time. It's very good for cuts, grazes and burns."

"Do you use it for anything else?"

"Like what?"

"Ahem.. err.. well.. during.. ahem.. sex."

"Oh, of course. Yes, we smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep
the kids out."

[cloudcity]

hello there everyone

I have decided to make this thread my own by posting at least one new joke every day. I will try my best at keeping you all entertained. I will try to make as many people happy as possible whilst trying not to offend anyone. This won't be easy but it should be fun.

Please check this thread as often as possible, no need to comment but if you laughed your ass off let me know - I need cheering up too sometimes.

so have fun everybody and I hope you enjoy my posts.

cloudcity

[cloudcity]

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological
disorder excuses.

3. We never ejaculate prematurely.

4. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return
our calls and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

5. When we buy a vibrator it's glamorous. When men buy a blowup
doll, it's pathetic.

6. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous. Guys
look like complete idiots in ours.

7. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

8. We can cry and get off speeding fines.

9. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central
figure in a computer game.

10. Taxis stop for us.

11. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

12. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

13. Free drinks, free dinners, free moving (you get the point?).

14. We can hug our friend without wondering if she thinks we're gay.

15. We know the truth about whether size matters.

16. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.

17. If we have sex with someone and don't call the next day,
we're not the devil.

18. Condoms make no significant difference in our enjoyment of sex.

19. We can sleep our way to the top.

20. Nothing crucial can be cut off with one clean sweep.

21. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking
a group shower.

22. No fashion faux pas we make could rival Speedos.

23. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.

24. If we cheat on our spouse, people assume it's because we're
being emotionally neglected.

25. We never have to wonder if his orgasm was real.

26. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

27. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her arse.

28. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.

29. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our
privates are still there.

30. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.

31. We have an excuse to be a total bitch at least once a month.

32. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to
picture them naked.

33. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we
look like an idiot.

34. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether
there's spinach in our teeth.

35. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your
problems.

36. Gay waiters don't make us uncomfortable.

37. We'll never regret piercing our ears.

38. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

[tanstaafl]

Who says that Women Lib didn't work.

[cloudcity]

A husband & wife are in bed when the husband say's :

honey I'm feeling a little frisky, the wife say's I'm feeling
a little tired. So then he say's is that your final answer ?

She say's yes thats my final answer. Then he say's fine, I'm
going to use one of my lifelines and phone a friend.

[cloudcity]

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird.

[tanstaafl]

You missed one -
#31 That looks like a penis...but smaller.

[countryboy45629]

thanks CC, this is a great thread. I can always count on you for a good laugh. Hope you keep posting them.

[cloudcity]

Great to see people are enjoying this thread, I am only too happy to help.

[cloudcity]

After God had created Adam he noticed that he looked very lonely. He
decided to help. He said "Adam, I've decided to make you a woman.
She'll love you, cook for you, be sweet to you, and understand you."
Adam said "Great! How much will she cost me?" The answer came back,
"An arm and a leg." "Well," said
Adam "what can I get for a rib?"

[cloudcity]

Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says,
"Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!" "I've been circumcised."
"What's that mean?" "It means they cut the skin off the end." "How
old were you when it was cut off?" "My mom said I was two days old."
"Did it hurt?" "You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

[cloudcity]

A little old couple in their eighties was sitting on the couch
watching the Playboy movie channel. He looked at her and
asked, "Do you think we can still do that?"

"Well, we can sure try!" she answered. So they shuffled off
to the bedroom. He went into the bathroom to get ready and
she took off all her clothes in the bedroom. When he came
out of the bathroom, he saw her standing on her head in the
middle of the bedroom floor.

"What are you doing, sweetheart?" he asked.

"Well," she replied, "I thought if you couldn't get it up,
maybe you could just drop it in!

[cloudcity]

HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN EVERY TIME:
Lick,
paw,
ogle,
caress,
praise,
pamper,
relish,
savor,
massage,
empathize,
serenade,
compliment,
support,
dig,
floralize,
feed,
laminate,
tantalize,
bathe,
humor,
placate,
stimulate,
jiffylube,
stroke,
console,
bark,
purr,
hug,
baste,
marinate,
coddle,
excite,
pacify,
tattoo,
protect,
phone,
correspond,
anticipate,
nuzzle,
smooch,
toast,
minister to,
forgive,
sacrifice,
ply,
accessorize,
leave,
return,
beseech,
sublimate,
entertain,
charm, lug,
drag,
crawl,
tunnel,
show equality for,
spackle,
oblige,
fascinate,
attend,
implore,
bawl,
hower,
shave,
ululate,
trust,
dip,
twirl,
dive,
grovel,
ignore,
defend,
milk,
coax,
clothe,
straddle,
melt,
brag,
acquiesce,
aromate,
prevail,
supercollide,
fuse,
fizz,
rationalize,
detoxify,
sanctify,
help,
acknowledge,
polish,
upgrade,
spoil,
reddi-whip,
embrace,
delouse,
accept,
butter-up,
hear,
understand,
jitterbug,
mosh,
locomote,
beg,
plead,
borrow,
steal,
climb,
swim,
hold her hair while she's puking in the toilet,
nurse,
resuscitate,
repair,
patch,
crazy-glue,
respect,
entertain,
calm,
allay,
kill for,
die for,
do a nickel in Attica for,
dream of,
promise,
exceed,
deliver,
tease,
flirt,
enlist,
torch,
pine,
wheedle,
cajole,
angelicize,
murmur,
snuggle,
snoozle,
snurfle,
hezbollah,
jihad,
elevate,
enervate,
alleviate,
spotweld,
serve,
rub,
rib,
salve,
bite,
taste,
nibble,
gratify,
take her to Funkytown,
scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence,
diddle,
doodle,
hokey-pokey,
hanky-panky,
crystal blue persuasion,
flip,
flop,
fly,
don't care if I die,
swing,
slip,
slide,
slather,
mollycoddle,
squeeze,
moisturize,
humidify,
lather,
tingle,
slam-dunk,
keep on rockin' in the free world,
wet,
slicken,
undulate,
gelatinize,
brush,
tingle,
dribble,
drip,
dry,
knead,
fluff,
fold,
blue-coral wax,
ingratiate,
indulge,
wow,
dazzle,
amaze,
flabbergast,
enchant,
idolize and worship,
and then go back and do it again.



HOW TO SATISFY A MAN EVERY TIME

Blow job!

[SSBF]

CC you should be a comedy writer....or at least an idea man....you rock!

[cloudcity]

CC you should be a comedy writer....or at least an idea man....you rock!

Thanks sexy, but these jokes aren't from my head. I have a cd-rom with thousands on, I'm not trying to take credit for other peoples work - just share them with my friends at Pichunter. We all need cheering up sometimes. I'm just glad you are enjoying them.

[cloudcity]

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician
that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and
she wasn't sure it was such a good idea.

The Doctor asked, "Do you enjoy it?"

She said that she did.

He asked, "Does it hurt you?"

She said no.

The Doctor then told her, "Well, then, there's no reason that
you shouldn't practice anal sex, if that's what you like, so
long as you take care not to get pregnant."

The woman was mystified. She asked, "You can get pregnant from
anal sex?"

The Doctor replied, "Of course. Where do you think lawyers
come from?"

[cloudcity]

A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam.
The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and
that he would be with him in just a few minutes. When the man
sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were
three items on a stand next to the doctor's desk: a tube of K-Y
jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.

When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this is my
first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove
is for, but what's the beer for?"

At that instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed
over to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his
nurse, "Dammit, nurse! I said a butt light!"

[cloudcity]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.

She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid,
stand up!"

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said,
"Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"

"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

[cloudcity]

There were these friends who played golf together every Saturday.
One Saturday they were getting ready to tee off when a guy, by
himself, asked if he could join them. The friends looked at each
other and then looked at the guy and said, "Sure."

So they teed off. About two holes into the game, the friends got
curious about what the guy did for a living. So they asked him.
The stranger told them he was a hitman. The friends all laughed.

The guy said, "No really, I'm a hitman. My gun is in my golf bag.
I carry it everywhere. You can take a look at it if you'd like."

So one of the friends decided to check it out. He opened the bag
and, sure enough, there was a rifle with a huge scope attached it.
He got all excited and said, "WOW! I bet I can see my house through
here! May I look?" The hit man replied, "Sure."

So the guy looked for a second and said, "YEAH! I can see my house!
I can even see through the windows into my bedroom. There's my wife,
naked. Isn't she beautiful? WAIT! There's my next-door neighbor!
And he's naked too!"

This really upset the guy, so he asked the hitman how much it would
be for a hit. The hitman replied, "I get $1000 every time I pull the
trigger."

The guy responded, "One thousand dollars? Well, okay. I want two hits.
I want you to shoot my wife right in the mouth. She's always nagging
at me and I can't stand it. Second, I want you to shoot my neighbor
in the penis, just for screwing around with my wife."

The hit man agreed. He geared up and looked through the scope.
He was looking for about five minutes until finally the man started
to get really impatient and asked, "What are you waiting for?"

The hitman replied, "Just hold on ... I'm a about to save you a
thousand bucks!"

[countryboy45629]

LMAO.......those were really funny. I especially loved the hitman joke. Thanks CC

[cloudcity]

I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following
reasons:

I do physical labor

I work at great depths

I work head first

I do not get RDO's, weekends off or public holidays

I work in a damp environment

I don't get paid overtime or shift penalties

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation

I work in high temperatures

My work exposes me to contagious diseases


Response from People & Quality:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have
raised, the administration rejects your request for the
following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight

You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods

You do not always follow the orders of the management team

You do not stay in your allocated position, and often visit other areas

You take a lot of non-rostered breaks

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated
in order to start working

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift

You don't always observe OH&S measures, such as wearing the correct
protective outfits

You don't wait till pension age before retiring

You don't like working double shifts

You sometimes leave your allocated position before you have completed
the day's work

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and
leaving the work place carrying 2 suspicious looking bags

[cloudcity]

RELATIONSHIPS:
When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to
her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled 'All Men Are Idiots'
Then she will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the
breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say,
'I just called to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never
forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total floozy. But, I want
you to know that there's always a chance for us.'

This is known as the 'I Hate You I Love You' drunken phone call, and
99% of all men have made it at least once. There are community colleges
that offer courses to help men get over this need.

LOCKER ROOMS:
In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and
women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as
well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women.
Women talk about one thing in the locker: sex. And not in abstract
terms, either. They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never
lie.

MATURITY:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function
as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and
giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school
romances rarely work out.

MAGAZINES:
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines
also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body
is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and
shouldn't be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight
of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.

BATHROOMS:
A man has five items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, shaving cream,
razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. The
average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man
would not be able to identify most of the items.

GROCERIES:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes out to the store
and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his
fridge are half a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He
buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout
counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly
Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the
10-items-or- less lane.

CATS:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking,
men kick cats.

OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends
and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is
vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the
garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress
up for weddings and funerals.

LAUNDRY:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article of
clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight
years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of
clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and
take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to
meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by
reruns of old American sitcoms.

MIRRORS:
Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror. Women are
ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface:
mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola's head.

MENOPAUSE:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of
complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The
nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual.
Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction...he buys aviator
glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves, and goes
shopping for a Porsche.

TOYS:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach the age of
11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession
with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive
and silly and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature
TV's. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers. Small
robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games. Anything that
blinks, beeps, and requires at least six 'D' batteries to operate.

MOVIES:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene.
This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced
by a man. Men will only show their butts, because butt size doesn't
really matter.

JEWELRY:
Women look nice when they wear jewelry. A man can get away with wearing
one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a
lounge singer named Ramone.

TIME:
When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's
using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game
just has five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs,
commercials, or replays.

FRIENDS:
Women on a girl's night out talk the whole time. Men on a boy's night
out say about twenty words all night, most of which are 'Pass the
Doritos' or Got anymore beer?'

RESTROOMS:
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms
as social lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each
other. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together
like old friends. And never in the history of the world has a man
excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, 'Hey, Tom, I was
just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?'

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose go out for lunch, they will call each
other Laura, Suzanne, Debra and Rose. If Mike, Charlie, Bob and John go
out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla,
Peanut-Head and Shorty.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Boys will each throw in £20.00, even though it's
only for £32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will
actually admit they want change back. When the Girls get their bill,
out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he wants.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't want.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

NATURAL LOOKS
Men wake up as good-looking as they were when they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

[ilovepussygalore]

Very funny.

[cloudcity]

8. What do you mean today's our anniversary?

7. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.

6. Ohhhhhh, this diamond is wayyyyyyyyy tooooooo big!

5. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of
being 'just friends'

4. Honey, does this outfit make my butt look too small?

3. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to
figure out how to get there.

2. I don't care if it's on sale, $300 is way to much for a
designer dress.

1. Hey, pull my finger!

[cloudcity]

One day an old lady walks into a supermarket and buys a can of
dogfood. The next day she comes back and buys five more. The
clerk says "Damn lady, you must have a lot of dogs!"

The old lady says "No, I give it to my husband last night and
he loved it."

The clerk replies "If you keep feeding it to him, he can die."

The old lady says that it won't happen to him and walks out.
Every day for the next month and a half she comes to the
supermarket and buys a couple cans. One day she comes in and
buys some flowers. The clerk says "What about the dog food?"

The old lady says "No, my husband died yesterday, I'm buying
some flowers for his grave.

The clerk says "I told you."

The lady says "No, he was crossing the road, stopped to lick
his balls, and got hit by a car.

[tanstaafl]

The lady says "No, he was crossing the road, stopped to lick
his balls, and got hit by a car.

Thant joke can't be true.
Everybody know that if a guy could lick himself he'd never leave the house.

[moonknight31]

hahahahaha like ron jeremy lol

[cloudcity]

A man moves into a nudist colony. He recieves a letter from his
mother asking him to send her a current picture. Too embarrassed to
let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts his picture
in half and sends her the top part.

Later, he recieves another letter asking him to send another picture
to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but
accidentally sends her the bottom part. He is really worried when
he realizes that he has sent the wrong part, but he remembers how
bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes that she won't notice.

A few weeks later, he recieves another letter from his grandmother.
It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle... It
makes your nose looks long."

[moonknight31]

hahahaha thats a good joke cc

[cloudcity]

A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and
finally she agrees to go out with him.
He takes her to a nice restaurant and buys her a fancy dinner
with expensive wine.
On the way home, he pulls over to the side of the road in a
secluded spot.

They start necking and he's getting pretty excited.
He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's
a virgin and wants to stay that way.
"Well, okay," he says, "how about a blow job?"
"Yuck!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!"
He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?"
I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"

"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to
shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?"
She nods. "Well, it's just like that."

He pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it.
A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes
close,
snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ear and
he screams out in pain.

"What's wrong?!!" she cries out.
"Take your thumb off the end!!"

[moonknight31]

hahahahahahaha thats a great joke lol

[countryboy45629]

LMAO, that was great. Made my day.

[cloudcity]

On this morning a woman and her baby was taking public
transportation. As she entered the bus the driver says "Wow
that is one ugly baby."
The woman deeply hurt just continued on the bus and found a
seat next to an elderly man. The man asks "What's wrong you
look mad?" She replied, "I am. That bus driver just insulted me."
"You shouldn't take that from him." the man replied. "He's a
public worker and should give you respect. If I was you I would
take down his badge number and report him." You're right sir I
think I will report him.
The elderly man says, "You go on up there and get his badge
number and I'll hold your monkey for you

[cloudcity]

A guy picks up a tipsy babe in a bar. They go to her place, and to
warm things up, he starts to go down on her. He's eating away, when
suddenly out pops a little piece of carrot. "Hmm," he thinks,
spitting it out, and then he continues to lick her. A few moments
later, out comes a sliver of celery. "This is weird," he thinks to
himself. Once again, down he goes. This time, out pops a small piece
of balogna. This is too much for the guy. He looks up at her and
says, "What's the matter? Are you sick or something?"
"No," she says, "but the guy before you was!"

[countryboy45629]

OMG ......... hell no........lol

[cloudcity]

1. A menstrual cycle has three wheels. True or False

2. Asphalt describes rectal problems. True or False

3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird. True or False

4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a heart attack.
True or False

5. The clitoris is a type of flower. True or False

6. A G-string is part of a fiddle. True or False

7. Semen is a term for sailors. True or False

8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly. True or False

9. Testicles are found on an Octopus. True or False

10. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit. True or False

11. KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati. True or False

12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish. True or False

13. Coitus is a musical instrument. True or False

14. Fetus is a character on "Gunsmoke". True or False

15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. True or False

16. A condom is a large apartment complex. True or False

17. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir.
True or False

18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry. True or False

19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle. True or False

20. An erection is when Japanese people vote. True or False

21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East. True or False

22. Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass.
True or False

23. Pornography is the business of making records.
True or False

24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin. True or False

25. Douche is the French word for "twelve." True or False

[countryboy45629]

LOL good one CC. I am still laughing over the woman on the bus.....lmao, that is an awesome joke.

[cloudcity]

Women think they already know everything, but wait.
. .. training courses are now available for women on the
following subjects:

1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has
Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making
Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait
Till After The Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the
Bathroom Cabinet Too.
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort,
not the First.
8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before
Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want
Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human
Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on
Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already
Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence
Only Women Notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All
Together
24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only

HUSBANDS, SIGN YOUR WIVES UP FOR THE FALL SESSION AT YOUR LOCAL COMMUNITY

[cloudcity]

There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly
a fairy appears and offers to grant each of them one
wish.

The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly,
she is turned into a brown haired woman and she swims
off the island.

The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the
previous one, so instantly she is turned into a black
haired woman. The black haired woman builds a boat and
sails off the island.

The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent
than the previous two.

The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across
the bridge!

[Tuemmel]

There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly
a fairy appears and offers to grant each of them one
wish.

The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly,
she is turned into a brown haired woman and she swims
off the island.

The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the
previous one, so instantly she is turned into a black
haired woman. The black haired woman builds a boat and
sails off the island.

The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent
than the previous two.

The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across
the bridge!


hey cc, this one is new to me. at least one of the longest blond jokes i've ever heard.

[cloudcity]

A salesman was testifying in his divorce trial against his wife.
"Please describe," said his attorney, "the incident that first
caused you to entertain suspicions as to your wife's fidelity."

"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man testified.
"So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive to the wife."

"One Sunday morning," he continued, "we were in the midst of
heavy love-making when the old lady in the apartment next door
pounded on the wall and yelled, 'Can't you at least stop all that
racket on the weekends?'"

[cloudcity]

THE MAN'S GUIDE TO FEMALE ENGLISH

We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're...so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I'm having my period
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper...
I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really
not going to like
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off you shoes and find a good
game on T.V.
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me!? = [Too late, you're dead.]
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
Do you like this recipe? = It's easy to fix, so get used to it
Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him unti
he goes to sleep
I'm not yelling! = Yes, I am yelling because I think it's important
All we're going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that
we're stopping at the cosmetic
department, the shoe department,
I need to look at a few new
purses, and those green sheets
would look great in the bedroom
and did you bring your
checkbook?

THE WOMEN'S GUIDE TO MEN'S ENGLISH

I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
I'm tired = I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with
you
Can I take you to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What's wrong? = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of
this
What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma
are you going through now?
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let's have sex now
I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50 and it doesn't look that
much different!
Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep
person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex
with other guys
I like that one better (while shopping) = Pick any freakin' dress and
let's go home!

[cloudcity]

There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful
blonde teen-aged daughters. They decided to try one last time for the
son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became
pregnant and, sure enough, nine months later delivered a healthy baby
boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He
took one look and was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever
seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way he could be
the father of that child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters I
fathered." Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been
fooling around on me?"

The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."

[cloudcity]

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which
to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives
each woman a present of $5000 and watches to see
what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy
beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys
several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the
man. She tells him that she has done this to be more
attractive for him because she loves him so much. The
man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She
gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for
his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she
presents these gifts, she tells him that she has
spent all the money on him because she loves him so
much. Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She
earns several times the $5000. She gives him back
his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint
account. She tells him that she wants to save for
their future because she loves him so much. Obviously,
the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman
had done with the money, and then he. . . . . . . . .


Married the one with the biggest tits.

[countryboy45629]

LMAO........typical man huh..

[cloudcity]

A married couple was enjoying a dinner out when a statuesque
brunette walked over to their table, exchanged warm greetings
with the husband, and walked off.

"Who was that?" the wife demanded.

"If you must know," the husband replied, "that was my mistress."

"Your mistress? That's it! I want a divorce!" the wife fumed.

The husband looked her straight in the eye and said, "Are you
sure you want to give up our big house in the suburbs, your
Mercedes, your furs, your jewelry, and our vacation home in
Mexico?"

For a long time they continued dining in silence. Finally, the
woman nudged her husband and said, "Isn't that Howard over there?
Who's he with?"

"That's HIS mistress," her husband replied.

"Oh," she said, taking a bite of dessert. "Ours is much cuter."

[cloudcity]

A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the
night. As he passes his parent's bedroom he peeks in through the
keyhole.

He watches for a moment, then continues on down the hallway,
saying to himself, "Boy, and she gets mad at me for sucking my
thumb!"

[countryboy45629]

great jokes as always CC, I can always count on you for a few laughs :)

[cloudcity]

A man goes to Victoria Secret to buy his wife the
most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the
counter goes and gets an outfit.

"This is $200," she says.
"I want one that's more sheer," says he.
"This one is $350."
"I want it even more sheer than that."
"This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500."
"I'll take it!"

The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her saying,
"Go put this on and come down to model it for me."
His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and
thinks, "This thing is so see-through that the old coot
won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not. I can take
this back for a refund and he won't know the difference."

So his wife comes out wearing nothing at all and
strikes a pose at the top of the stairs.

"So, how do you like it?" she asks.
Her husband then complains, "Darn, you'd think
for $500 they'd iron the dang thing!"

[cloudcity]

"The thrill is gone from my marriage," Bill told his friend Doug.
Doug suggests, "Why not add some intrigue to your life and have
an affair?"
"But what if my wife finds out?" asks Bill.
"Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her
about it!" said Doug.
So Bill went home and said, "Dear, I think an affair will bring us
closer together."
"Forget it," said his wife. "I've tried that - it didn't work."

[countryboy45629]

LOL, I had a couple wives try that too

[cloudcity]

A little kid of 6 sees two dogs humping in the back garden of his house.
"Dad, what are those two dogs doing?" He inquiries.
His dad fumbles with a lame explanation. "Well, the doggie on the back
has broken his front legs and the other dogies giving him a lift."
The kid looks for a second and replies "Typical... Try to help someone
out and you end up getting fucked in the ass."

[cloudcity]

A man is urinating one day when the end of his penis drops off.

He thinks, "This is probably not a good thing," so he picks up
the knobby end and sticks it in his pocket, then races off to
the doctor. He waits in the surgery for a bit, then he's called in.

The doctor greets him and asks, "What's the problem?"

"Well, doctor, I was urinating and my knob fell off. Here it is."
And he reaches into his pocket and hands the piece to the doctor.

The doctor looks, frowns, then replies, "What are you talking
about? This is a marshmellow!"

"Well, that can't be right! I ate my last marshmellow on the way
in here!"

[cloudcity]

The perfect man is gentle
Never cruel or mean
He has a beautiful smile
And keeps his face so clean.

The perfect man likes children
And will raise them by your side
He will be a good father
As well as a good husband to his bride.

The perfect man loves cooking
Cleaning and vacuuming too
He'll do anything in his power
To convey his feelings of love on to you.

The perfect man is sweet
Writing poetry from your name
He's a best friend to your mother
And kisses away your pain.

He never has made you cry
Or hurt you in any way
To hell with this endless poem
The perfect man is gay

[cloudcity]

A widow lady was running a stud service. She brought her bull
to another farmer’s farm. The two of them sat on the fence and
watched the bull doing his duty with one of the farmer’s cows.
Watching that, the farmer started to get horny. He looked
over at the widow and asked, Do you think I could do that?
She replied, I don’t care. It’s your cow.

[cloudcity]

This guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him and shows him
the doors to three rooms and says he must choose one of the rooms
to spend eternity in. So Satan opens the first door. In the room
there are people standing in shit up to their necks. The guy says
"no,please show me the next room". Satan shows him the next room
and this has people with shit up to their noses. And so he says no
again. Finally Satan shows him the third and final room. This time
there are people in there with shit up to their knees drinking cups
of tea and eating cakes. So the guy says I'll choose this room
please. Satan says O.K. The guys is standing in there eating his
cake and drinking his tea thinking, "well it could be worse..", when
the door opens, Satan pops his head around,and says "O.K. tea-break's
over. Back on your heads!"

[cloudcity]

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.
I know where my watch is, buddy, where the fuck is yours? Do I
point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?

2. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has
no dick.

3. People who are willing to get off their asses to search the
entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the
TV and change the channel manually.

4. When people say, "Oh, you just want to have your cake and eat
it too." Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake if you can't eat it?

5. When people say, "It's always in the last place you look."
Of course it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've
found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

6. When people say, while watching a movie, "Did you see that?"
No dicknose, I paid $7.50 to come to the theater and stare at
friggen ceiling up there.

7. The radio ad: "Hi, I'm Jeff Healey from the Jeff Healey Band.
Don't drink and drive. I don't." Well, I hope you don't drive sober
either, Mr. Healey. You're blind, for God's sake!

8. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me
a choice, did ya there, buddy?

9. When something is "new and improved," which is it? If it's new,
then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement,
then there must have been something before it.

10. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you
were going? You should know, asshole, you fucking pulled me over!

[cloudcity]

The New Barbie: Now, at long last some NEW Barbie dolls to coincide
with her true age. These are a bit more realistic...

Bifocals Barbie: Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames
in six wild colors (half-frames too)! Plus neck chain and large-print
editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.

Hot Flash Barbie: Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn
beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead! With
handheld fan and tiny tissues.

Facial Hair Barbie: As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers
grow! Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.

Cook's Arms Barbie: Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new,
roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too: muumuus with
tummy support panels are included!

Bunion Barbie: Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely
taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with
the pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules.

No More Wrinkles Barbie: Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines
with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of
exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.

Soccer Mom Barbie: All that experience as a cheerleader is really
paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root
for Babs and Ken, Jr. With mini van in robins egg blue or white, and
cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.

Mid-life Crisis Barbie: It's time to ditch Ken! Barbie needs a change,
and Bruce (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along
with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the
Napa Valley to open a B&B. Comes with real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard
to Do."

Divorced Barbie: Sells for $199.99. Comes with Ken's house, Ken's car,
and Ken's boat.

Single Mother Barbie: There's not much time for primping anymore! Ken's
shacked up with the Swedish au pair in the Dream House and Barbie's
across town with Babs and Ken, Jr., in a fourth-floor walkup. Barbie's
selling off her old gowns and accessories to raise rent money. Complete
garage sale kit included.

Recovery Barbie: Too many parties have finally caught up with the
ultimate party girl. Now she does twelve steps instead of dance steps!
Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with little
copy of The Big Book and six-pack of Diet Coke.

Post-Menopausal Barbie: Poor Barbie wets her pants when she sneezes,
forgets where she puts things, and cries a lot. She is sick and tired
of Ken sitting on the couch watching the tube, clicking through the
channels. Comes with Depends and Kleenex.

[cloudcity]

God created the mule, and told him, "You are mule. You will work
constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back.
You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years."

The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much.
Please, give me no more than 20."

And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, "You are dog. You will hold
vigilance over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest
companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years."

The dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too
much. Please, no more than 10 years."

And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall
swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and
you shall live for 20 years."

The monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the
world is too much. Please, Lord, give me no than 10 years."

And it was so.

Finally, God created Man and told him, "You are Man, the only rational
Being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have
mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth
and live for 20 years."

The man responded, "Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little.
Please, Lord; give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years the
dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected."

And so God made Man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live 20
years like a mule working and carrying heavy loads on his back. Then,
he is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house
and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old
age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his
grandchildren.

And it is so...

[SSBF]

Amen

[cloudcity]

Amen

That's funny actually SSBF, every time I see your avatar I think "thank the lord"

[cloudcity]

10 reasons men like to date bimbo's


10. It’s so easy to prove that you're superior.

9. They won’t interrupt you with thoughts or opinions of their own.

8. They won't want you to cancel your plans to watch nude Jell-O
wrestling to go see "Phantom of the Opera".

7. They’re impressed by the thickness of your wallet - even though
it's stuffed with condoms instead of money.

6. They will let you send intimate pictures of them to Beaver Hunt.

5. They won't object to demeaning comments you make about them in
front of the guys.

4. They actually believe you when you say, "I love you for your mind
and personality - now shut up and finish putting on that French maid
outfit.

3. They don't understand computers well enough to access your files
and read what you've been saying about them.

2. Their ability to comprehend spatial relationships is so poor that
they really do believe that it's eight inches.

And the NUMBER ONE reason men date Bimbos...

1. They will put up with you.

[cloudcity]

By the time Willard pulled into a little town every
hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room
somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed - I don't care
where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant,"
admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split
the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so
loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained
in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired travellers assured him. "I'll
take it."

The next morning Willard came down to breakfast bright-
eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the
manager.

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other
guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said Willard.

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in
the room," Willard explained. "I went over, gave him a
kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and
he sat up all night watching me."

[countryboy45629]

Thanks again for the laughs CC, can always count on you.

[cloudcity]

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they
haven't seen each other since graduation. They begin to
talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation
covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc. and
finally gets around to their sex lives.

Sue says "It's OK. We get it on every week or so but
it's no big adventure, how's yours?"

Sally replies "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M."

Sue is aghast. "Really Sally, I never would have guessed
that you would go for that."

"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He Snores while I Masturbate."

[cloudcity]

Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher quit working so she calls a
repairman. Since she has to go to work the next day, she
tells him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the
dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail
you the check. Oh, by the way, don't worry about my Pit
Bull, he won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT,
under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"
When the repairman arrives at the apartment the next day,
he discovers the biggest and meanest Pit Bull he has ever
seen. But, just as she said, the dog just lay there on the
carpet watching the repairman go about his business. The
parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his
incessant yelling, cursing, and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer
and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

[cloudcity]

My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to
tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I
fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood
there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and
came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with
a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too
then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago."

[cloudcity]

A sweet little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is
working and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?"

So, her father sits her down and tells her all about the birds and
the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms
and eggs. He tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections and
wet-dreams. Then he thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell her
the whole works, thinking that to tell it all is the only way to
tell the truth.

The girl is quite awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new
knowledge. Her father finally asks, "So what made you wish to know
about sex?"

"Oh, mommy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."

[cloudcity]

There were these two guys who had gone to the same college and
become great friends. During college, they had a great time.
Anything that was going on, they were always right in the middle
of it. When they graduated, however, they each went their own
separate way. Two or three years later, they ran into one another
on the street. They were very happy to see each other, and, during
the conversation, one of them asked the other what he was doing
for work. "I'm an undertaker", responded the friend.

"That doesn't sound like you. During college, you were always the
one looking for excitement."

"There is plenty of excitement in this racket," explained the
friend. "Just the other day, I got a call to pick up this stiff in
a hotel room. When I entered the room, he was laying there on the
bed, stark naked, with a huge erection. I didn't want to take him
out like that, so I took a hanger from the closet, and gave it a
good swat.....You want to talk about excitement. I WAS IN THE
WRONG ROOM!!!"

[cloudcity]

----- A lady bought a new Lexus. Cost a bundle. Two days
later, she brought it back complaining that the radio
wasn't working. "Madam," said the sales manager, "the
audio system in this car is completely automated. All you
need to do is tell it what you want to listen to and you
will hear exactly that!"

She drives out, somewhat amazed and a little confused.
She looked at the radio and said, "Nelson." The radio
responded, "Ricky or Willie?"

Soon she was speeding down the highway to the sounds
of "On The Road Again." The lady was astounded. If
she wanted Beethoven, that's what she got. If she
wanted, Nat King Cole, she got it.

Stopped at an intersection, her light turned green and
she pulled out. Off to her right, out of the corner of her
eye, she saw a small sports utility vehicle speeding
toward her. She swerved and narrowly missed a collision.
"ASSHOLE..." she muttered. And, from the radio:
"Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States."

[cloudcity]

The head nun tells the two new nuns that they have to paint
their room without getting any paint on their clothes. So the
one nun says to the other, "Hey, let's take all our clothes
off, fold them up, and lock the door."

So they do this, and begin painting their room. Soon they hear
a knock at the door. They ask, "Who is it?"

"Blind man!"

The nuns look at each other, then one nun says, "He's blind,
he can't see. What could it hurt." They let him in.

The blind man walks in and says, "Hey, nice tits. Where do you
want me to hang the blinds?"

[cloudcity]

A guy just died and he's at the pearly gates, waiting to be
admitted, while St. Peter is leafin' through this Big Book to
see if the guy is worthy.

St. Peter goes through the Book several times, furrows his
brow and says to the guy, 'You know, I can't see that you
ever did anything really bad in your life, but you never did
anything really good either. If you can point to even one
REALLY GOOD DEED-- you're in.'

The guy thinks for a moment and says, 'Yeah, there was this
one time when I was driving down the highway and saw a giant
group of thugs assaulting this poor girl. I slowed down my
car to see what was going on and sure enough, there they were,
about 50 of 'em harassing this terrified young woman.

Infuriated, I got out of my car, grabbed a tire iron out of
my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang, a huge guy
with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his
nose to his ear. As I walked up to the leader, the thugs
formed a circle around me. So, I ripped the leader's chain
off his face and smashed him over the head with the tire
iron. Layed him out. Then I turned and yelled at the rest of
them, 'Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a
bunch of sick, deranged animals! Go home before I teach you
all a lesson in pain!''

St. Peter, impressed, says, 'Really? When did this happen?'

'Oh, about two minutes ago.'

[cloudcity]

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is
driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman
leans out of the window and yells "PIG!!!" The man immediately
leans out of his window and replies, "BITCH!!!" They each
continue on their way, and ...

.. as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in
the middle of the road .... and dies immediately.

If only men would listen.

[cloudcity]

A young executive was leaving the office at 6 pm when he found the CEO
standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is very important, and my secretary has left.
Can you make this thing work?

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted
the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the
machine. "I just need one copy."

[cloudcity]

The kindergartners were now in first grade. Their teacher wanted them
to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten. She told
them to use grown up words instead of baby words. She then asked them
to tell her what they did during the summer.


The first little one said he went to see his Nana. The teacher said,
"No, no, you went to see your Grandmother. Use the grown up word."

The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo. The
teacher again said, "No, no, you went on a trip on a train. That's
the grown up word."

Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the
summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what
book he had read. He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way
replied, "Winnie the Shit."

[cloudcity]

A man comes home early from work and hears strange noises
coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife
naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he says.
"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman. He rushes
downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his
4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Mick's
hiding in your wardrobe and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the
bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe
door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked,
cowering on the wardrobe floor.

"You bonehead!," says the husband, "my wife's having a heart
attack and you're running around with no clothes on scaring
the kids!"

[cloudcity]

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana.

As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the
pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they
stopped for lunch.

As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee,
"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would
you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?"

The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said,
"Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing"

[cloudcity]

A fellow walks into a bar and sees a dog playing poker.

The guy is amazed that the dog is playing poker and asks
the bartender, "Is that a real dog playing poker?"

"Yep, real as can be." the bartender replies

"Well is he any good?" the follow asked.

"Na, every time he has a good hand, he wags his tail.

[cloudcity]

Dennis Rodman found a bottle on the beach and picked it up.
Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle. "Master, may
I grant you one wish?" asked the genie with a smile.

"Hey, bitch. Don't you know who I am? I don't need no woman
givin' me nuttin!" barked Rodman.

The genie pleaded, "But master, I must grant you a wish or I
will be returned to this bottle forever."

Dennis thought a moment. Then, grumbling about the inconvenience
of it all, he said, "Okay, okay, I wanna wake up with three women
in my bed in the morning, so just do it!" Giving the genie an evil
glare, he screamed, "Now leave me alone!"

The annoyed genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared back into the
bottle.

The next morning, Rodman woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya
Harding, and Hillary Clinton. His penis was gone, his leg was broken,
and he had no health insurance.

[cloudcity]

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at
an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly
abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions.

One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief
negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper,
"This man," he announced, "Called in Sick yesterday!"

There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill
employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an
excellent score.

The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator.
"Wow," he said. "Think of what kind of score he could have had
if he hadn't been sick!"

[cloudcity]

One of my favorite subjects.

[cloudcity]

more of the same.

[cloudcity]

and this one.

[cloudcity]

"DEAD CAT...."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jim let his dog out to relieve himself late one night. He watched
some TV, and then remembered to let the dog back in. When he opened
the door, he was shocked at what he saw! In his dog's mouth was his
neighbor's cat, dead!

"Bad dog! BAD DOG!" said the panicked man. He took the cat away and
looked at it. He couldn't bring himself to tell his neighbor what
happened, so he decided to clean it up and leave it on the neighbor's
porch. He took the cat into the bathroom and washed off all the blood
and dirt. It took him forever. He had to wash it four times to get it
all cleaned. He brushed it's beautiful white fur as he blow dried it,
and put its collar back on. Since it was so dark, he crept into the
neighbor's yard and laid the cat down on the porch in front of the
door.

The next day, he was on his way to the car to go to work and his
neighbor was outside. "Hi," he said.

"Hi," replied Jim, nervously.

His neighbor said, "Something weird happened last night."

"Oh yeah? What's that," asked Jim, sweating now.

"Well, my cat died yesterday, and we buried him. This morning he was
lying on my front porch!"

[cloudcity]

"BEST FRIEND...."


Judge: "Now before I sentence you for killing your wife Mr. Smith,
do you have anything to say"

Smith: "Well sir, I killed her in a heat of passion. I found her
in bed with my best friend. So I shot her"

Judge: "And what did you do to your best friend?"

Smith: "I turned to him and yelled 'Bad dog, NO treat for you'"

[cloudcity]

This psychiatrist walks into his waiting room and sees two men.
One is hanging upside down from the ceiling. The other is
sawing an imaginary piece of wood. The doctor approaches the
man who is sawing and asks him what he is doing.

"I'm sawing wood," the man replies.

"And what's your friend doing?" the doctor asks.

"Oh, he thinks he's a light bulb."

"Well, don't you think you should tell him to get down? The
blood is rushing to his head."

"What, and work in the dark?"

[cloudcity]

A kid comes home from school and says to his mom, "Mom Ive got a
problem." She says "Tell me." He tells her that the boys at school
are using 2 words he doesnt understand. She asks him what they are.
He says "well, pussy and bitch". She says "Oh thats no big deal,
pussy is a cat like our little Mittens, and bitch is a female dog
like our Sandy".

He thanks her and goes to visit dad in the workshop
in the basement. He says to his dad, "Dad the boys at school are
using words I dont know, and I asked mom and I dont think she told
me the exact meaning. Dad says " Son, I told you never to go to mom
with these matters, she cant handle them. What are the words?" He
tells him...pussy and bitch. Dad says "OK" and pulls a Playboy down
from the shelf, takes a marker and circles the pubic area of the
centerfold and says, "son, everything inside this circle, is pussy".
"OK dad, so whats a bitch?" "Son" he says, "everything outside that
circle."

[cloudcity]

A man comes home from work one day and he says to his wife: "Honey, I
got a new secretary. And imagine what happened! She's got a red and
white bra. You know, these are the colors of my favorite football team.
Anyway, it's not a big deal but it feels good."

The next day when they come home his wife asks, "How was your day?"

The man says: "Fantastic! It's not only her bra that is red and white
but also her panties. You know it's not a big deal but it really feels
good!"

The third day they meet at home after work and now the man asks his
wife, "And what happened today in your office, honey?"

She says, "Oh, nothing special, sweetheart. I got a new boss today. His
dick is two inches longer than yours. You know it's not a big deal but,
hell, it feels good!"

[docket]

I now feel soooooo much better for reading those,thanks!

[cloudcity]

The Top Six Reasons Computers Are Female

1. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.
2. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
4. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
5. The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".
6. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it!

[cloudcity]

10 LAWS OF COMPUTING

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you'd least expect to find it.
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6. To err is human...to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, its downright natural.
7. He who laughs last, probably has a back-up.
8. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
9. A complex system that doesn't work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
10. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.

[sintrifuge]

too funny and true!!!

[cloudcity]

Five things you don't want to hear from Tech Support:

1. "Duuuuuude! Bummer!"

2. "In layman's terms, we call that the Hindenburg Effect."

3. "Your problem can be fixed, but you're going to need
a butter knife, a roll of duct tape and a car battery."

4. "Press 1 for Support. Press 2 if you're with ‘60 minutes.'
Press 3 if you're with the FTC."

5. "Hold on a second, please ... Mom! Timmy's hitting me!"

[Kandy44]

Good Job Cloud Thats FUNNY! LOL

[cloudcity]

Scott took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like
to do first, Mary?" asked Scott.
"I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight
guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale, it read 117
and she won a prize.

Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over,
Scott again asked Mary what she would like to do. "I want to get
weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they
had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Scott lost
his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to go
next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Scott
figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her
off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Mary responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy.

[cloudcity]

Good Job Cloud Thats FUNNY! LOL


Happy to oblige kandy ol' buddy.

[cloudcity]

Kandy44, this one's for you.





DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling
objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry
cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and
the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of
furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their
feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the
top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile
oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite
chair...must try this on their bed.

DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep
depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in
attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to
strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about
what a good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good
reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it
included a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds
could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb
still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was
placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the
noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer."
More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power
of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my
advantage.

DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe
snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to
return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got
to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something
akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he
reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room
his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

[SSBF]

Scott took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like
to do first, Mary?" asked Scott.
"I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight
guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale, it read 117
and she won a prize.

Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over,
Scott again asked Mary what she would like to do. "I want to get
weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they
had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Scott lost
his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to go
next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Scott
figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her
off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Mary responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy.
ROFLMAO! THAT was funny!

[WildCard82nd]

lmao good one CC.

[SSBF]

Funny CC .... I wove to waaff! :grin:
:rotfl:

[whistle_pig]

Scott took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like
to do first, Mary?" asked Scott.
"I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight
guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale, it read 117
and she won a prize.

Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over,
Scott again asked Mary what she would like to do. "I want to get
weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they
had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Scott lost
his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to go
next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Scott
figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her
off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Mary responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy.

lmao...very good

[Kandy44]

Thanks Cloud....GOOD ONE !

[cloudcity]

Glad you are all enjoying these jokes, I have thousands so I will keep on posting them.

[cloudcity]

THINGS TO DO IN AN ELEVATOR:

1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the
shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2) Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back
for more.

3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what
floor you're on.

5) Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After awhile,
let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then
scream, "That's mine!"

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8) Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if
they have an appointment.

9) Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they
hear something ticking.

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and
exits with the passengers.

12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don 't panic,
they open up again."

15) Swat at flies that don't exist.

16) Tell people that you can see their aura.

17) Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it.

18) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering,"Shut up,
all of you, just shut up!"

19) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, Got
enough air in there?"

20) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without
getting off.

21) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror ,
"You're one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

22) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

23) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I
have new socks on."

26) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other
passengers, "This is my personal space!"

[Kandy44]

Thats FUNNY Cloud....I could almost see some of that Working Lol

[WildCard82nd]

lmao,man those are funny

[cloudcity]

A farmer had so many children, he ran out of names, so he started
naming his kids after something around the farm. The first day of
school began, and the teacher asked each child their name. When he
got to one of the farmer's son the boy replied "Wagon Wheel".

The teacher said... "I need your REAL name, son"...to which he boy
replied, "It's Wagon Wheel, sir...Really".

The teacher in a huff..said.. "Alright young man...march yourself
right down to the principal's office THIS minute!!!!"

The boy got out of his chair, turned to his sister and said..
"Come on, Chicken Shit he ain't gonna believe YOU, neither !"

[cloudcity]

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked him
if it was dead or alive.

"Dead." She was informed.

"How do you know?" she asked her pupil.

"Because I pissed in his ear and it didn't move," answered the child
innocently.

"You did WHAT?!?" the teacher squealed in surprise.

"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'pssst' and he
didn't move."

[deeprising]

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked him
if it was dead or alive.

"Dead." She was informed.

"How do you know?" she asked her pupil.

"Because I pissed in his ear and it didn't move," answered the child
innocently.

"You did WHAT?!?" the teacher squealed in surprise.

"You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'pssst' and he
didn't move."lol........ :grin:

[Kandy44]

Psst.....Cloud GOOD ONES Lol

[cloudcity]

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question
and as he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps
into a woman beside knocking his eblow into her breast.
They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is
as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in
room 1221."

[cloudcity]

This guy owns a horse farm and gets a call from a friend.
"I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to
buy a horse and I'm sending him over".

The midget arrives and the owner asks him if he wants a male
or female horse.

"A female horth", the midget replies. So the owner shows him one.

"Nith looking horth, can I see her mouf?"

So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's teeth.

"Nith mouf, can I see her eyeth?"

So the owner picks up the midget and shows him her eyes.

"OK, what about the earsth?"

Now the owners is beginning to get a little pissed, but he picks
up the midget one more time and shows him her ears.

"OK, finally, I would like to see her twat."

With that the owner loses all patience, picks up the midget and
shoves his head up the horse's twat, and then pulls him out.

Shaking his wet head, the midget says, "perhapth I should rephrase
that. I would like to thee the horth run."

[cloudcity]

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when
the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey,
we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting
here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as
jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?"

Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied,
"My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee
and the other is in your oatmeal !!!"

[cloudcity]

"EIGHT THINGS THAT PISS ME OFF!!!...."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


1. People who point at their wrist when asking for the time.
I know where my watch is buddy!! Do I point to my crotch when
I ask you where the bathroom is???

2. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the
entire room for the remote control because they don't want to
have to get up to turn the channels anyway! Isn't that a
contradiction or an oxymoron or something???

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat
it too!"..Blow me!!! What good is a damn piece of cake if you
can't eat it?? What should I do, eat someone else's cake??

4. When people say "It's always in the last place you look".
Well, no shit!! Why the fuck would you keep looking for
something you already found? Do people do this?? Who and
where are they???

5. When people say, while watching a movie in a theater,
"did you see that?!?!" No dickhead, I paid 8 bucks to come
to a theater and stare up at the damn ceiling, what did you
come here for???

6. People who ask, "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really
give me a choice there, did ya buddy?

7. When commercials advertise something "new and improved".
Which is it? If it's new, there has never been anything before
it. If it's improved, then there must have been something
before, hence making it old, contrary to new!!!

8. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you knew how
fast you were going. You should know asshole... you're the
one that pulled me over!!!!

[cloudcity]

Three Labrador retrievers -- one brown, one yellow and one black --
were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's office when they
struck up a conversation. The black lab turned to the brown and
said, "So why are you here?"

The brown lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything --
the sofa, the drapes, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was
last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"

"Gonna give me Prozac," came the reply from the brown lab. "All the
vets are prescribing it. It works for everything."

The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you
here?"

The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up
flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside,
I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I
dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab inquired.

"Looks like Prozac for me too," the dejected yellow lab said.

The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked, "Why are you
at the vet's office?"

"I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump
the cat, a pillow, the table, fire hydrants, whatever. I want to
hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the
shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help
myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away."

The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and said,
"So, Prozac for you too, huh?"

The black lab said, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

[cloudcity]

A young boy is down at a popular secluded beach, the south end of
which permits nude bathing.

After much wandering around with wide-eyed wonder, the boy approaches
his father and says "Dad, why do some men have little cocks, and other
men have big cocks?

Taken aback, but quick with an answer, the well endowed father replies
"Well son, it's like this. All the men with big cocks are really smart,
and all of the men with small cocks are dumb bastards!"

The boy nods, and pauses to digest this new information.

Dad says "where's your mum?"

The boy replies "She's down behind the bushes with some dumb guys, but
they're getting smarter by the minute!"

[cloudcity]

Joan, a rather well-proportioned though near-sighted secretary,
spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her
hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first few days, but always
removed her glasses for an even facial tan.

After several days she decided that no one could see her way up
there, so she slipped out of her suit for an overall tan. She'd
hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was
lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her bottom.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of
the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The hotel
doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much
appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you have for the past
week."

"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one
can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the
dining room skylight!"

[cloudcity]

There was a great loss recently in the entertainment world.
Larry LaPrise, the Detroit native who wrote the song 'Hokey
Pokey" died last week at age 83. What was really horrible was that they
had trouble keeping the body in the casket. They'd put his left leg in
and.....well, you know the rest.

[cloudcity]

Little Johnny and Susie are only 10 years old, but they just know that
they are in love.

One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to
Susie's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him
and says "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for
her hand in marriage."

Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well
Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"

Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In
Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."

Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin,
"Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job.
You'll need to support Susie."

Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance... Susie makes 5 bucks
a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and
that should do us just fine."

By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much
thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with
something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr.
Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all
figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do
if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"

Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so
far...."

[cloudcity]

Three mice were sitting in a bar talking about how tough they
were. The first mouse drank a shot and said, "I play with
mousetraps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is
closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or
thirty times." And with that he drank another shot.

The second mouse drank a shot and said, "That's nothing. I take
those Decon tablets, cut them up and snort them just for the
fun of it." And with that he drank another shot.

The third mouse drank a shot, got up and walked away. The first
two mice looked at each other, turned to the third mouse and
asked, "Where the hell are you going?"

The third mouse stopped and replied, "I'm going home to fuck the cat."

[cloudcity]

Two guys are walking down the street and they come upon a
dog who, like dogs are prone to do, is sitting there licking
his genitals. They stand there watching for a while and then
one of them says to the other, "Oh man, don't you wish you
could do that?" The other one thinks about it for a while
and then finally replys, "Gee, I don't know. He looks kinda
mean, I would probably have to pet him a while first."

[BustyBlondie]

Cloud.....Lol....ok I agree that is a cute one.....the only problem is I would definitely have to write up a list of my own....and let me tell ya...the more he would do....the more satisfied he would be......I love a man that listens!! LOL Keep up the good work!!
BustyBlondie

[cloudcity]

Blow job Etiquette ( By a woman )

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

2. Extension to rule #1- So if you get one, be grateful.

3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw; it is
not standard practice to cum on someone's face.

4. Extension to rule #3- No I DON'T have to swallow.

5. My ears are NOT handles.

6. Extension to rule#5- do not push on the top of my head. Last
I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you
really WANT puke on your dick?

7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get' it is NEVER OK to fart.

8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" -get
it through your head- I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no,
I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just YOU
can't have sex right now.

9. Extension to #8- "Blue balls" might have worked on high
school girls- if your that desperate, go jerk off and leave
me alone with my Midol.

10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth,
don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.

11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately
afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my
behavior to be repeated in the future.

12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to
speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the
moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2
about gratitude.

13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care
about the protein content.

14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.

15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get
blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is
inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.

16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I
have to "kiss it good morning".

A Man's Rebuttal

1. First of all, yes you are obligated to do it. If you don't we
will find someone (younger, prettier, and dirtier) who will.

2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon of cream is a hell of a lot
easier than licking a dead fish.

3. You want to talk about farting? does the word "queef" mean
anything to you?

4. I will use your ears as I see fit. Don't worry about it and
be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.

5. When you're on period, stuffing something in your mouth is
the only way to stop your bitching and moaning. Suck it up.

6. Speaking of which, if are bleeding for five straight days,
you need all the fluids you can get, trust me.

7. You bitch about the taste , but trust me when I tell you that
we get the shit end of the stick in flavor country.

8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.

9. Play with the balls.

10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.

11. Caress the ass, too. WE like that.

12. Make hay when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the
morning now, but when you get old and fat and looking for
some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep".

13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting
any on your face, now will you?

[cloudcity]

TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY

6969 Slippery Root Drive
Droptrouser, NC 22269


Dear John Doe,

We regret to inform you that we have rejected your application to
model and represent our product, TROJAN CONDOMS.

Although your general appearance is not displeasing, our Board of
Directors feels that your wearing of our product in the
advertisement does not portray a positive, romantic image for our
product. A loose, baggy, and wrinkled condom is NOT considered
romantic.

We did admire your efforts to try and firm it up by using
Polygrip, but even then it slipped off before we could get the
photographs taken. We would like to note, however, that yours is
the first we've seen that looked like a bicycle grip.

We appreciate your interest and thank you for your time. We will
retain your application for future consideration, if by chance we
decide that there is a market for micro-mini condoms.

We send greetings and our deepest sympathy.


Yours very truly,

Burley Dick, President
TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY, INC.

VD/abc

P.S. Remember our slogans:

Cover your stump before you hump.
Don't be silly, protect your Willie.
Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.
Before you attack her, wrap your whacker.
If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it!

[cloudcity]

"101 THINGS NOT TO SAY DURING SEX...."

1. But everybody looks funny naked!

2. You woke me up for that?

3. Did I mention the video camera?

4. Do you smell something burning?

5. (in a janitor's closet) And they say romance is dead...

6. Try breathing through your nose.

7. A little rug burn ever hurt anyone!

8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?

9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?

10. But whipped cream makes me break out.

11. Person 1: This is your first time..right? Person 2: Yeah..
today

12. (in the No Tell Motel) Hurry up! This room rents by the Hour!

13. Can you please pass me the remote control?

14. Do you accept Visa?

15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

16. On second thought, let's turn off the lights.

17. And to think- I was really trying to pick up your friend!

18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.

19. (using body paint) Try not to leave any stains, okay?

20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...

21. (holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the
zoo!

22. Do you get any premium movie channels?

23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!

24. (preparing to use peanut butter sexually) But I just
steam-cleaned this couch!

25. Got any penicillin?

26. But I just brushed my teeth...

27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!

28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!

29. I want a baby!

30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!

31. (in a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?

32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...

33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?

34. I think you have it on backwards.

35. When is this supposed to feel good?

36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!

37. You're good enough to do this for a living!

38. Is that blood on the headboard?

39. Did I remember to take my pill?

40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?

41. I wish we got the Playboy channel...

42. That leak better be from the waterbed!

43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!

44. But my cat always sleeps on that pillow..

45. Did I tell you my Aunt Martha died in this bed?

46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance..

47. No, really... I do this part better myself!

48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!

49. This would be more fun with a few more people..

50. You're almost as good as my ex!

51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?

52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with
rotten potatoes?

53. You look younger than you feel.

54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.

55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!

56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.

57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...

58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?

59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.

60. What tampon?

61. Have you ever considered liposuction?

62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!

63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?

64. I have a confession...

65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!

66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?

67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?

68. Is that a hanging sculpture?

69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?

70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?

71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!

72. Did you come yet, dear?

73. I'll tell you who I'm fantasizing about if you tell me who
you're fantasizing about...

74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!

75. Does this count as a date?

76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!

77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.

78. I think biting is romantic- don't you?

79. Q: You can cook too, right? A: (Whaddaya think I'm doin'?)

80. When would you like to meet my parents?

81. Man: Maybe it would help if I thought about someone I really
like... Woman: Yourself?

82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?

83. Sorry about the name tags, I'm not very good with names.

84. Don't mind me.. I always file my nails in bed.

85. (in a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?

86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have
a light?

87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.

88. Sorry but I don't do toes!

89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!

90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!

91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...

92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for "The Enquirer".

93. So that's why they call you Mr. Flash!

94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!

95. Is this a sin too?

96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!

97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?

98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...

99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...

100. How long do you plan to be "almost there"?

101. You mean you're NOT my blind date?

[cloudcity]

what a good laugh I have had this evening. Thanks cloud



Happy to oblige you sexy thing.

[cloudcity]

What a Woman Says:

"This place is a mess! C'mon, You and I need to clean up.
Your stuff is lying on the floor, and if we don't do laundry
right now you'll have no clothes to wear."

What a Man Hears:

blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES.

[cloudcity]

A Priest, a Rabbi, and a Protestant Minister are on a cruise.
Suddenly the boat begins to sink. The Protestant Minister yells,
"Abandon ship! Women and children first!" The Rabbi says, "Screw
the children." The Priest then replys, "Do we have time for that?"

[cloudcity]

[Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her
youngest daughter walks in.]

Child: Mother, where do babies come from?

Mom: Well, dear... a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married.
One night, they go into their room. They kiss and hug and have
sex. [The daughter looks puzzled.] That means the daddy puts his
penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey.

Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and
daddy's room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get
when you do that?

Mom: Jewelry, honey.

[cloudcity]

A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in
the long line of judgment. As he stood there he noticed that
some souls were allowed to march right through the gates of
heaven, others, though were led over to Satan who threw them
into the burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling
a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one
side into a small pile.

After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow's
curiosity got the better of him. So he strolled over and
tapped Satan on the shoulder. "Excuse me, Prince of Darkness,"
he said. "I'm waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn't
help wondering why are you tossing those people aside instead
of flinging them into the fires of hell with the others?"

"Ah, those..." Satan said with a groan.

"They're all from Ireland, They're too wet to burn!"

[cloudcity]

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach
about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I
want you all to read Mark 17.

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon,
the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how
many had read Mark 17.

Every hand went up.

The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters.
I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

[cloudcity]

The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately to
take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming
outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and
got into the water.

After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old
ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked,
got out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand
nearby. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and
sighed with relief.

The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and
wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said: 'You know , I have
a special gift, I can read minds.'

'Impossible', said the embarrassed man, 'You really know what
I think?'

'Yes', the lady replied, 'Right now, I bet you think that the
bucket you're holding has a bottom.'

[cloudcity]

"WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN WOMEN...."


Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

Dogs understand that you are their master.

Dogs love it when your friends come over.

Dogs think you sing great.

Dogs understand that farts are funny.

Dogs are excited by rough play.

Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.

Dogs can appreciate excessive body hair.

Dogs enjoy heavy petting in public.

Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

Dogs have ten breasts.

Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

Dogs don't borrow your shirts.

Dogs don't mind if you give their offspring away.

Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.

Dogs don't shop.

Dogs don't want to know about every other pet you've had.

Dogs don't cry.

Dogs get excited when you take out the leash and choker chains.

Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.

Dogs seldom outlive you.

A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.

A dog's parents never visit.

A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.

Dogs like it when you leave the toilet seat up.

When a dog gets old and starts to snap at you incessantly, you can
shoot it.

It's legal to keep a dog chained up at your house.

You never have to wait for a dog. They're ready to go 24 hours a day.

The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.


Why Women Are Better than Dogs

It is socially acceptable to have sexual relations with a woman.

Women look good in sweaters.

Women leave the room to fart.

Women know how to make popcorn.


How Women and Dogs Are the Same

Both look stupid in hats.

Both look good in a fur coat.

Both put too much value on kissing.

Both can eat 5 pounds of chocolate in one sitting.

Both tend to have hip problems.

Both constantly want back rubs.

Both are good at pretending that they're listening to every word
you say.

Neither understands football.

Neither believes that silence is golden.

Neither can balance a checkbook.

You can never tell what either of them is thinking.

[Jessica]

ROFL CC
thank you!

[lawone]

Hey CC, that is classic

[cloudcity]

Thanks guys.


I kinda forgot about this little old thread of mine. I guess people do still read it.

[cloudcity]

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while
they were walking past the hospital Swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped
into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there.

Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and
pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Mary's
heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the
hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news &
bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you
were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think
you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you
saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so
sorry, but he's dead."

Mary replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."

[cloudcity]

A couple had been married for 25 years and also celebrated their
60th birthdays. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said
that because they had been such a loving couple all those years,
she would give them one wish each.

The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her
wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said
shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me."
The fairy picked up her wand and boom!
He was 90!!

[cloudcity]

A few years ago the battery in my beat-up VW Beetle had died
because I left the lights on overnight. I was in a hurry to
get to work on time so I ran into the house to get my wife to
give me a hand to start the car. I told her to get into our
second car, a prehistoric oversized gas guzzler, and use it to
push my car fast enough to start it. I pointed out to her that
because the VW had an automatic transmission, it needed to be
pushed at least 20 mph for it to start.

She said fine, hopped into her car and drove off.

I sat there fuming wondering what she could be doing.

A minute passed by and when I saw her in the rear-view mirror
coming at me at about 30 mph, I realized that I should have been
a bit clearer with my directions.

[cloudcity]

The husband and wife were playing on the ninth green when
she collapsed from a heart attack.

"Please dear, I need help." she said.

The husband ran off saying "I'll go get some help."

A little while later he returned, picked up his club and began
to line up his shot on the green.

His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, "I may
be dying and you're putting?"

"Don't worry, dear. I found a doctor on the second hole. He said
he will come and help you."

"The second hole??? When in the world is he coming???"

"I told you not to worry," he said, practice stroking his
putt...."Everyone's already agreed to let him play through."

[cloudcity]

A man comes home from a night of drinking. As he falls through
the doorway, his wife snaps at him, 'What's the big idea coming
home half drunk?'

The man replies, 'I'm sorry honey. I ran out of money.'

[cloudcity]

There was this guy who was lonely, and decided life
would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the
pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy
an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally
bought a centipede, which came in a little white box
to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good location
for the box, and decided he would start off by taking
his new pet to the bar to have a drink.

So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like
to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?"

But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes
and then asked him again, "How about going to the
bar and having a drink with me?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend
and pet.

So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the
situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this
time putting his face up against the centipede's house
and shouting, "HEY, IN THERE! WOULD YOU LIKE
TO GO TO FRANK'S PLACE AND HAVE A DRINK
WITH ME?"

A little voice came out of the box: DON"T SHOUT!
"I heard you the first time!
I'm putting on my shoes."

[cloudcity]

HER SIDE OF THE STORY.

He was in an odd mood when I got to the pub, I thought it might
have been because I was a bit late but he didn't say anything
much about it. The conversation was quite slow going so I thought
we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more
privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a
bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether
it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I
wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the cab on the way back to his
house, I said that I love him and he just put his arm around me.
I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he doesn't
say it back or anything. We finally got back to his place and I was
wondering if he was going to dump me! So I tried to ask him about
it but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going
to go to sleep. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and we
had sex. But, he still seemed really distracted, ! so afterwards
I just wanted to leave but I just cried myself to sleep. I don't
know, I just don't know what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you
think he's met someone else???


HIS SIDE OF THE STORY.

My football team lost. Tired. Got a shag though!

[cloudcity]

A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping center.
Her arms were heavily laden with a mop and broom and other
cleaning supplies. Her actions, deep sighs, and nasty remarks
made it obvious she was in a hurry and very agitated by the
slowness of the line.

When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the
woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of
here and home before Christmas!"

"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With that wind kicking
up out there and that brand new broom you have here, you'll be
home in no time."

[cloudcity]

"Each evening bird lover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like
an owl - and one night, an owl called back to him. For a year,
the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even
kept a log of the "conversation." Just as he thought he was on
the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication, his
wife had a chat with her next door neighbor.

"My husband spends his nights calling out to owls," she said.

"That's odd," the neighbor replied. "So does my husband."

They paused then started to laugh.

[cloudcity]

The businessman dragged himself home and barely made it to his
chair before he dropped, exhausted.

His concerned wife was right there with a tall cool drink and
a consoling word.

"My, you look tired," she said. "You must have had a hard day
today. What happened to make you so exhausted?"

"It was terrible," her husband said, "The computer broke down
and all of us had to do our own thinking."

[cloudcity]

"19 REASONS TO SIGN OFF & READ A BOOK...."


1. You've gone to an unstaffed AOL room to give tech support.

2. You say "he, he, he, he" or "heh, heh, heh" instead of laughing.

3. You say "SCROLL UP" when someone asks what it was you said.

4. You sneak away to your computer when everyone goes to sleep.

5. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an
instant message to.

6. You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had
your ignore button handy.

7. You start to experience "withdrawal" after not being online
for a while.

8. Your answering machine/voice mail sounds a little like
this...."BRB. Leave your S/N and I^ll TTYL ASAP".

9. You sit on AOL for 6 hours for that certain special person
to sign on.

10. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your
coffee.

11. You end your sentences with.....three or more periods.......

12. You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name
on it.

13. You think faster than the computer.

14. You enter a room and get greeted by 25 people with {{{hugs}}}
and **kisses**.

15. Being called a "newbie" is a major insult to you.

16. You're on the phone and say BRB.

17. Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood
shot eyes.

18. "Where did the time go?"

19. You need to be pried from your computer by the Jaws-of- life!

[kim]

well done cc first time I have been here but I am sure to com back very funny and thats from a womans point of view...as for asking my friends round when my partner wants a 3some ...I don't mind...lol.
KIMThanks everyone, I like to keep things light. I have thousands of these types of jokes. I'd better post some more then.

5 Kinds of Sex

1.The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon
period, you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.

2.The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the
marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the kitchen.

3.The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit,
perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.

4.The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each
other in the hallway and say, "Fuck you!"

5.There is also a fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you
get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in the
room.....

[Kandy44]

Kool ...But so True ....hehehe

[mama]

"19 REASONS TO SIGN OFF & READ A BOOK...."


1. You've gone to an unstaffed AOL room to give tech support.

2. You say "he, he, he, he" or "heh, heh, heh" instead of laughing.

3. You say "SCROLL UP" when someone asks what it was you said.

4. You sneak away to your computer when everyone goes to sleep.

5. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an
instant message to.

6. You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had
your ignore button handy.

7. You start to experience "withdrawal" after not being online
for a while.

8. Your answering machine/voice mail sounds a little like
this...."BRB. Leave your S/N and I^ll TTYL ASAP".

9. You sit on AOL for 6 hours for that certain special person
to sign on.

10. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your
coffee.

11. You end your sentences with.....three or more periods.......

12. You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name
on it.

13. You think faster than the computer.

14. You enter a room and get greeted by 25 people with {{{hugs}}}
and **kisses**.

15. Being called a "newbie" is a major insult to you.

16. You're on the phone and say BRB.

17. Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood
shot eyes.

18. "Where did the time go?"

19. You need to be pried from your computer by the Jaws-of- life!

OMG...I need to log off and read, but I can't til the fire department gets here with the jaws of life...so til then, I'll just go look at the male nudes...hehehe...KISS!!!

[Kandy44]

mama you have been hangin' around with me Too much...erh .....I'm Starting to Understand you ....hehehe

[Kandy44]

Could be a lot to this One ...hehe "19 REASONS TO SIGN OFF & READ A BOOK...."


1. You've gone to an unstaffed AOL room to give tech support.

2. You say "he, he, he, he" or "heh, heh, heh" instead of laughing.

3. You say "SCROLL UP" when someone asks what it was you said.

4. You sneak away to your computer when everyone goes to sleep.

5. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an
instant message to.

6. You look at an annoying person off line and wish that you had
your ignore button handy.

7. You start to experience "withdrawal" after not being online
for a while.

8. Your answering machine/voice mail sounds a little like
this...."BRB. Leave your S/N and I^ll TTYL ASAP".

9. You sit on AOL for 6 hours for that certain special person
to sign on.

10. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your
coffee.

11. You end your sentences with.....three or more periods.......

12. You purchase a vanity car license plate with your screen name
on it.

13. You think faster than the computer.

14. You enter a room and get greeted by 25 people with {{{hugs}}}
and **kisses**.

15. Being called a "newbie" is a major insult to you.

16. You're on the phone and say BRB.

17. Your teacher or boss recommends a drug test for the blood
shot eyes.

18. "Where did the time go?"

19. You need to be pried from your computer by the Jaws-of- life!

[cloudcity]

mama you have been hangin' around with me Too much...erh .....I'm Starting to Understand you ....hehehe


I think we're all guilty of some of them.

[cloudcity]

A couple get married, and the girl's mother lives downstairs.
The girl has never made love to a man before, and on their
wedding night, when he takes off his shirt, she goes running
downstairs.
"Momma, Momma," she cries. "I can't believe it! He has hair
all over his chest! I can't make love to him, it's disgusting!"
The mother says to her, "He's your husband, you so what he
wants you to. Now go back upstairs."
When the girl gets back upstairs, the man takes off his pants.
This sends her running back down to her mother. "Momma, Momma!
It's terrible! He has hair all over his legs!"
The mother tells the girl, "Look, he is your husband, you are
his wife. You go back upstairs and do what he wants."
The girl goes back upstairs, and the man takes off his shoes
and socks.
she looks down and sees that half of one of his feet is missing.
She goes crying back down the stairs.
"Momma, Momma! He's got a foot and a half!"
"You stay here," says the mother. "I'll go upstairs!"

[cloudcity]

Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic?

He stayed awake all night wondering if there really is a dog.

[cloudcity]

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He
went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from
higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump
from an airplane.


The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news. "So,
did you jump?" the father asked.

"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the
sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men
got up and just walked out of the plane!"


"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.


"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at
a time and throw them out the door."

"Did you jump then?" asked the father.


"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last
man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to
jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my ass."


"So, did you jump?"


"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto
the door and refused to go. Finally he called over to the Jump Master.
The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250
pounds. He said to me, "Boy, are you gonna jump or not?"


I said, "No, sir. I'm too scared" So the Jump Master pulled down his
zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long
and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, 'Boy, either you jump
out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.'"


"So, did you jump?" asked the father."

Well, a little.... at first."

[cloudcity]

-- Make sure everybody gets a copy of this so we can put a stop to
this one!!!!!
There is a new virus going around, called "work". If you receive any
sort of "work" at all, whether via email, internet or simply handed to
you by a colleague...DO NOT OPEN IT.
Work has been circulating around our building for months and those who
have been tempted to open "work" or even look at "work" have found
that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function
properly.
If you do encounter "work" via email or are faced with any "work" at
all, to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words
"Sorry...I'm off to Home Depot." The "work" should then be
automatically deleted from your brain.
If you receive "work" in paper-document form, simply lift the document
and drag the "work" to your garbage can. Put on your coat and skip to
the nearest cafe with two friends and order three double chocolate
espressos. After repeating this action 10 times, you will find that
"work" will no longer be of any relevance to you.
Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do not
have anyone in your address book, then I'm afraid the "work" virus has
already corrupted your life.

[cloudcity]

How can you tell if you had a really great blow job?

You have to pull the sheet out of your ass.

[cloudcity]

A WW II American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three
months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a supplyboat
to a supply base in the south of England, then caught a train to London.

The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was
dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any
place to sit down. Finally he found a compartment with seats facing
each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side
sat only a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting
in the empty seat beside her.

"Could I please sit in that seat" he asked. The lady was insulted. "You
Americans are so rude." she said, "Can't you see my dog is sitting
there?"

He walked through the train more and still could not find a seat. He
found himself back at the same place.

"Lady, I love dogs - have a couple at home- so I would be glad to hold
your dog if I can sit down." he said.

The lady replied "You Americans are not only rude, you are arrogant."

He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said
"Lady, I've been onthe front lines in Europe for three months with not
a decent rest for all that time. Could I please sit there and hold your
dog?

"The lady replied "You Americans are not only rude and arrogant.You are
also obnoxious."

With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog,
threw it out the window, and sat down.The lady was speechless.

An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat
spoke up. "Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's
description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of
things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your
fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch
out of the window."

[Kandy44]

hahaha...Good One Cloud !!!!

[revognah]

ha ha h ha ha.....it's a cracker

[mama]

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He
went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from
higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump
from an airplane.


The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news. "So,
did you jump?" the father asked.

"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane, and the
sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men
got up and just walked out of the plane!"


"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.


"Um, not yet. Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at
a time and throw them out the door."

"Did you jump then?" asked the father.


"I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last
man left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to
jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my ass."


"So, did you jump?"


"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto
the door and refused to go. Finally he called over to the Jump Master.
The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250
pounds. He said to me, "Boy, are you gonna jump or not?"


I said, "No, sir. I'm too scared" So the Jump Master pulled down his
zipper and took his penis out. I swear, it was about ten inches long
and as big around as a baseball bat! He said, 'Boy, either you jump
out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.'"


"So, did you jump?" asked the father."

Well, a little.... at first."


haha...I love this 1!!!

[mama]

cloud...you're a funny man and pretty sexy too!!!

[Kandy44]

He Dont Turn me on ,mama....Now You ...Thats a different story !!!!

[mama]

He Dont Turn me on ,mama....Now You ...Thats a different story !!!!


thanx kandy man!

[cloudcity]

A man was driving down a country road when he spots this
object in his rear view mirror. About that time something
streaks past.The man cant tell what it is,so he speeds up.
When he finely catches up with the thing he can see it's
a chicken.But what is so strange is the chicken seams to
have three legs.He is still in amazement as the chicken
streaks across in front of the car and takes off down a
long dirt lane.By the time the man gets his car stopped
the chickens nowhere in sight.So the man follows the dirt
lane until it ends at a small farm. He gets out of the car
and just stands and stares with his mouth opened.As far as
the eye can see there are fields of chickens and they all
have three legs.He sees the farmer by the barn and walks
over.

The farmer says can I help you son?The man says I have
never seen anything like this in my life,how in the world
did you get three legged chickens.Farmer said well son its
like this,I have three sons.Every time the wife makes chicken
for supper the boys fight over the legs.I got tired of breakin
up the fights so I did some cross breedin and finely came up
with a chicken that had three legs.Thats terrific said the
man, these chickens can make you a millionaire, by the way, how
do they taste? Farmer says dont know. Cant catch um.

[cloudcity]

There was a fellow talking to his buddy one day. The fellow said,
"I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has
everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants,
so I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate
that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it.
She'll probably be thrilled!" So, the first fellow did just that.

The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion?
How'd it turn out?"

"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth,
and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'!"

[cloudcity]

A rich farmer had only two things he loved in the whole world
his son in college and his beloved hunting dog, Old Blue. As
a way to get money out of his father, the son wrote his dad
to tell him that the Veterinary College could teach Old Blue
to talk for $500.

So, the dad sent his son Old Blue and $500.
Some time later, the son needed some more money. So, he wrote
his dad to tell him that Old Blue was talking up a storm and
was asking to learn how to read. For another $500, the
Veterinary College would teach Old Blue how to read. Wanting
to deny Old Blue nothing, the dad sent another $500.

A few
months later, the farmer wrote his son to tell him that he was
coming up the next Sunday to hear Old Blue talk and to see him
read. When he pulled up in front of the dorm in his Cadillac,
the son ran up in a panic. Dad!, he gasped, It’s awful! I
was standing at the sink this morning shaving with my straight
edge razor.

Old Blue was sitting on the commode reading the Wall
Street Journal. I told him, Ya know, Old Blue, Dad is coming to
see you today.’ Old Blue, replied, ‘That old SOB. Is he still
fooling around with the maid?’ Well Dad, that made me so mad, I
just cut his throat before I could stop myself. The farmer got
a really shocked look on his face. He is dead, isn’t he?

[cloudcity]

A flea was waiting in a bar for another flea who was late.
When the flea finally walked in he was shivering.

"What happened?!" the first flea asked.

"Well, I hitched a ride in this one guy's mustache and I fell
asleep. When I woke up I was freezing!" the flea replied.

"Ha Ha! You silly flea! that's not what you do! You have to
find a pretty girl and climb up to that secret space between
her legs. It's nice and warm and cozy there. Trust me, I know.
That's how i got here."

"Okay, I'll try it!"the flea said.

The next day the first flea again had to wait for the second
flea and again he came in shivering.

"I thought you were going to follow my advice," the first flea
said.

"I did," the second flea replied. "I climbed up the girl's leg
and you were right. It was warm and cozy. I fell asleep but when
I woke up I was in the guy's mustache again!"

[cloudcity]

A widow lady was running a stud service. She brought her bull
to another farmer’s farm. The two of them sat on the fence and
watched the bull doing his duty with one of the farmer’s cows.
Watching that, the farmer started to get horny. He looked
over at the widow and asked, Do you think I could do that?
She replied, I don’t care. It’s your cow.

[mama]

There was a fellow talking to his buddy one day. The fellow said,
"I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has
everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants,
so I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate
that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it.
She'll probably be thrilled!" So, the first fellow did just that.

The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion?
How'd it turn out?"

"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth,
and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'!"


good 1 cloud!!!

[sintrifuge]

bahahahahahahaha!

[Kandy44]

hahahehewhe...great One Cloud !!!!!

[madblkman]

A flea was waiting in a bar for another flea who was late.
When the flea finally walked in he was shivering.

"What happened?!" the first flea asked.

"Well, I hitched a ride in this one guy's mustache and I fell
asleep. When I woke up I was freezing!" the flea replied.

"Ha Ha! You silly flea! that's not what you do! You have to
find a pretty girl and climb up to that secret space between
her legs. It's nice and warm and cozy there. Trust me, I know.
That's how i got here."

"Okay, I'll try it!"the flea said.

The next day the first flea again had to wait for the second
flea and again he came in shivering.

"I thought you were going to follow my advice," the first flea
said.

"I did," the second flea replied. "I climbed up the girl's leg
and you were right. It was warm and cozy. I fell asleep but when
I woke up I was in the guy's mustache again!"

Good one CC. Wait a minute, is that way my lip was itching! :thumbsup:

[cloudcity]

DEFINITION OF A BBQ

It's the only type of cooking a real man will do.
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

1. The woman buys the food.
2. The woman makes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill -- beer in hand.
4. The man places the meat on the grill.
5. The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.
7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8. The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10. Everyone praises the man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
11. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off."

And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!

[cloudcity]

A Prayer for the Stressed


Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill today because they got on my nerves.


And also help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the feet I may have to kiss tomorrow.


Help me give 100% at work:
10% on Monday
20% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
6% on Friday
and 4% on Saturday.


And help me to remember when I’m having a bad day and it seems that people are trying to wind me up, it takes 43 muscles to frown, 28 to smile and only 4 to extend my arm and smack them in the mouth.

[cloudcity]

Things you get to say at work

1 Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you.
2. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
3. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.
4. Well, aren't we a damn ray of sunshine?
5. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.
6. Do I look like a people person?
7. This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.
8. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
9. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
10. Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control?
11. I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
12. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
13. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
14. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
15. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't gone to sleep yet!
16. Back off!! You're standing in my aura.
17. Don't worry. I forgot your name too.
18. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.
19. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
20. Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
21. Chaos, panic and disorder .. my work here is done.
22. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
23. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
24. Earth is full. Go home.
25. Aw, did I step on your poor little itty bitty ego?
26. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
27. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
28. You are depriving some village of an idiot.
29. If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.
30. Look in my eyes ... Do you see one ounce of "gives-a-shit"

[cloudcity]

**Brit Joke Alert**


What do you call four chavs going over a cliff in a Vauxhall Nova?






A shame, cause a Nova seats five.


.

[cloudcity]

Soon after Dominik arrived in America (from Prague, Czechoslovakia)
he began having trouble with his eyes. So he decided to get them
checked out.

He went to an ophthalmologist who was quick to show him an eye chart
displaying the letters -- 'CVKPNWXSCZ'.

"Can you read this?" the doctor asked.

"Can I read it?" the Czech replied. "I dated his sister!"

[cloudcity]

Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher quit working so she calls a
repairman. Since she has to go to work the next day, she
tells him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the
dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail
you the check. Oh, by the way, don't worry about my Pit
Bull, he won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT,
under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"
When the repairman arrives at the apartment the next day,
he discovers the biggest and meanest Pit Bull he has ever
seen. But, just as she said, the dog just lay there on the
carpet watching the repairman go about his business. The
parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his
incessant yelling, cursing, and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer
and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

[cloudcity]

Dear Employees:

It has been brought to management's attention that some individuals
throughout the company have been using foul language during the
course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints
received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of
language will be no longer been tolerated. We do however, realize the
critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings
when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of "TRY SAYING" new phrases has been provided so that
proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective
manner:
1) TRY SAYING:
I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF:
You don't know what the fuck you're doing.

2) TRY SAYING:
She's an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF:
She's a ball-busting bitch.

3) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF:
And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

4) TRY SAYING:
I'm certain that isn't feasible.
INSTEAD OF:
No fucking way.

5) TRY SAYING:
Really?
INSTEAD OF:
You've got to be shitting me!

6) TRY SAYING:
Perhaps you should check with...
INSTEAD OF:
Tell someone who gives a shit.

7) TRY SAYING:
I wasn't involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF:
It's not my fucking problem.
8) TRY SAYING:
That's interesting.
INSTEAD OF:
What the fuck?

9) TRY SAYING:
I'm not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF:
This shit won't work.

10) TRY SAYING:
I'll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF:
Why the hell didn't you tell me sooner?

11) TRY SAYING:
He's not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF:
He's got his head up his ass.

12) TRY SAYING:
Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF:
Eat shit and die.

13) TRY SAYING:
So you weren't happy with it?
INSTEAD OF:
Kiss my ass.

14) TRY SAYING:
I'm a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF:
Fuck it, I'm on salary.

15) TRY SAYING:
I don't think you understand.
INSTEAD OF:
Shove it up your ass.

16) TRY SAYING:
I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF:
This job sucks.

17) TRY SAYING:
You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF:
Who the hell died and made you boss?

18) TRY SAYING:
I see.
INSTEAD OF:
Blow me.

19) TRY SAYING:
He's somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF:
He's a prick.
Thank You,
Human Resources

[cloudcity]

An Irishman who had a wee bit too much to drink is driving
home from the city one night and, of course, his car is
weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few
to drink this evening".

"That I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his
arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your
wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there,
I thought I'd gone deaf."

[cloudcity]

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning
service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you,
Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed
away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did
he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father..."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun..."

[cloudcity]

Buying gifts for men is not nearly as complicated as it is for women.
Follow these rules and you should have no problems.

Rule #1:
When in doubt, buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he
already has one. I have a friend who owns 17, and he has yet to
complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one
knows why.

Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word
"ratchet" or "socket" on it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey
George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By the way, are you through
with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car: a
99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang
from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one
knows why.

Rule #4:
Never buy men bathrobes. Once I was told that if God had wanted men to
wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5:
You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn
out. If you have a lot of money, buy your man a big-screen TV with the
little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips,
and flips.

Rule #6:
Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after-shave or
deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are "earthy."

Rule #7:
Buy men label-makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a
couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks.
Shorts. Cups. saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one
knows why.

Rule #8:
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box.
It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #9:
Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber,
Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA
Auto Parts and Sears Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores.)
It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. ("From NAPA Auto, eh?
Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford
Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")

Rule #10:
Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook, although they will
barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell
him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a
hamburger?"

Rule #11:
Tickets to a Cowboys game are a smart gift. However, he will not
appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone
knows why.

Rule #12:
Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you
don't know why, please refer to Rule #7 and what happens when he gets a
label-maker.

Rule #13:
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension
ladder. Never buy a real man a stepladder. It must be an extension
ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #14:
Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least
The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila
rope. No one knows why.

[mama]

Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning
service, and she's in tears. He says, "So what's bothering you,
Mary my dear?"

She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed
away last night."

The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did
he have any last requests?"

She says, "That he did, Father..."

The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary?"

She says, "He said, 'Please Mary, put down that damn gun..."

I love this 1 cloud!!! lol...very funny!

[lawone]

Hey CC, have to agree on the gift list - but you could add any tool from a tool supply shop - every guy needs a good tool.

[mama]

Hey CC, have to agree on the gift list - but you could add any tool from a tool supply shop - every guy needs a good tool.


I've seen alot of nice tools on display here at PH... :grin:

[falconjedi]

so a man walks into a bar and the bartender asks, "now what did you go and do that for?"

[cloudcity]

"ANOTHER REDNECK SEX QUIZ...."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1. A menstrual cycle has three wheels. True or False

2. Asphalt describes rectal problems. True or False

3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird. True or False

4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a heart attack.
True or False

5. The clitoris is a type of flower. True or False

6. A G-string is part of a fiddle. True or False

7. Semen is a term for sailors. True or False

8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly. True or False

9. Testicles are found on an Octopus. True or False

10. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit. True or False

11. KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati. True or False

12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish. True or False

13. Coitus is a musical instrument. True or False

14. Fetus is a character on "Gunsmoke". True or False

15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute. True or False

16. A condom is a large apartment complex. True or False

17. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir.
True or False

18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry. True or False

19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle. True or False

20. An erection is when Japanese people vote. True or False

21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East. True or False

22. Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass.
True or False

23. Pornography is the business of making records.
True or False

24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin. True or False

25. Douche is the French word for "twelve." True or False

[cloudcity]

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the
trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general
began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer
uncomfortable.

Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he
was
doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his
head.

The farmer said,"Having some problems with circle flies there, are
ya?"

The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said--"Well yeah, if that's
what they are--I never heard of circle flies".

So the farmer says--"Well, circle flies are common on farms. See,
they're called circle flies because they're almost always found
circling around the back end of a horse."

The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then
after a minute he stops and says, "Hey...wait a minute, are you
trying to call me a horses ass?"

The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law
enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a
horses ass."

The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to
writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

[cloudcity]

A guy was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long
trial, the jury aquitted him. Later that day, the guy came back
to the judge who had presided at the hearing.

"Your honor," he said, "I want to get out a warrant for that dirty
lawyer of mine."

"Why?" asked the judge. "He won your aquittal. What do you want to
have him arrested for?"

"Well, your honor," replied the guy, "I didn't have the money to
pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."

[cloudcity]

When her husband passed away, the wife put the usual death
notice in the newspaper, but added that he had died of
gonorrhea.

Once the daily newspapers had been delivered, an outraged
friend of the family phoned and complained, "You know very
well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."

Replied the widow, "Yes, I know that he died of diarrhea,
but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember
him as a great lover rather than the big shit that he
really was.

[cloudcity]

A blonde man showed up at work one day with a black eye. When his co-
workers saw him they asked him what had happened. He told them it had
happened at church. They didn't believe him, and wanted to know what
really happened.

So he told them, "I went to the church. I got on my knees and prayed.
When I stood up to sing the hymns, there in front of me was the
biggest woman I had ever seen. Her dress was stuck in her butt-crack,
so being the gentleman I am, I reached over and pulled it out for
her. She did not like that, so she hit me." The guys laughed and
ribbed him about it all day.

The next week he showed up to work and his face was beat bad! Again
the guys asked him what had happened and he told them he'd got beaten
up at church. Again they didn't believe him, so he explained, "I went
to the church. I got on my knees and prayed. When I stood up to sing
the hymns, there in front of me was that same big woman with her
dress again stuck up her butt-crack."

At this point the other men interrupted and said, "Please tell us you
didn't pull her dress out of her crack again?"

"No, the guy standing beside me did, and I knew she didn't like that,
so I shoved it back in."

[cloudcity]

Three Polish guys go out on the town, looking for a good
time.

The first loses no time in picking up a cute brunette,
and they disappear off to her place.

The second soon finds a willing redhead and they check into
a motel across the street.

The third eyes an attractive blonde and asks if she wants
to come back to his apartment and have a wild time.

"I'd love to" she says, "but I'm on my menstrual cycle."

"That's all right" says the Pole, "I rode my moped."

[cloudcity]

OMG Silver, you're going straight to hell for them.

[cloudcity]

A couple was lying in bed one morning. The woman said, "Honey, I
dreamed I was at a cock auction. There were extra-large cocks going
for $90 or so, medium-size cocks selling for $50, and itty-bitty ones
for $1.50."

"Say, was mine in the auction?" the man inquired anxiously.

"Honey, yours was too big to get in the door."

A couple of days later they were lying in bed again, and the man
said, "You wouldn't believe what I dreamed last night. I was at a
pussy auction. There were great big ones, and little hairy ones, all
kinds."

"Well, did you see mine?" she asked.

"Baby," he said, "the auction was in your pussy!"

[cloudcity]

A couple was going to a costume party. The husband was
unsure of what costume to wear. His wife was telling
him to hurry or they would be late for the party. She
was walking down the stairs from the bedroom, completely
naked except on her feet were a big old floppy pair of
boots.

"Where is your costume?" the husband asked.

"This is it," replied his wife.

"What the heck kind of costume is that?" asked the husband.

"Why, I am going as Puss and Boots," explains the wife.
"Now hurry and get your costume on."

The husband went upstairs and was back in about two minutes.
He also was completely naked except he had a rose vase slid
over his penis.

"What the heck kind of costume is that?" asked the wife.

"I am a fire alarm," he replied.

"A fire alarm?" she repeated laughing.

"Yes," he replied. "In case of fire break the glass,
pull twice and I come."

[cloudcity]

Although he always ordered just ham and eggs everyday, one
customer at the diner always studied the menu carefully
each day before ordering.

One day his regular waitress decided to see if he could
be made to order anything else. Before giving him the
menu she marked out the ham and eggs entry.

After waiting a few minutes she asked, "Did you notice,
sir, that I scratched something that you like?"

Without looking up from the menu, he replied, "So go
wash your hands and bring me some ham and eggs."

[cloudcity]

"CONFUCIUS SAY...."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1. Virginity like bubble, one prick -- all gone.

2. Man who run in front of car get tired.

3. Man who run behind car get exhausted.

4. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

5. Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife
upright organ.

6. Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going
to Bangkok.

7. Man with one chopstick go hungry.

8. Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

9. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

10. Baseball is wrong; man with four ball cannot walk.

11. Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing
on earth.

12. War does not determine who is right, war determine who
is left.

13. Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat
house.

14. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

15. It take many nails to build crib, only one screw to
fill it.

16. Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

17. Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

18. Man who live in glass house should change clothes in
basement.

19. Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

20. Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

21. Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

22. Woman who fly airplane upside down have hairy crack-up.

[Kandy44]

....I Know He didnt Get any ,The Rest of the Week 1A couple was lying in bed one morning. The woman said, "Honey, I
dreamed I was at a cock auction. There were extra-large cocks going
for $90 or so, medium-size cocks selling for $50, and itty-bitty ones
for $1.50."

"Say, was mine in the auction?" the man inquired anxiously.

"Honey, yours was too big to get in the door."

A couple of days later they were lying in bed again, and the man
said, "You wouldn't believe what I dreamed last night. I was at a
pussy auction. There were great big ones, and little hairy ones, all
kinds."

"Well, did you see mine?" she asked.

"Baby," he said, "the auction was in your pussy!"

[Kandy44]

Couple that Have Sex in Strawberry Patch....Get Ass in Big Jam !"CONFUCIUS SAY...."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

1. Virginity like bubble, one prick -- all gone.

2. Man who run in front of car get tired.

3. Man who run behind car get exhausted.

4. Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

5. Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife
upright organ.

6. Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going
to Bangkok.

7. Man with one chopstick go hungry.

8. Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.

9. Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

10. Baseball is wrong; man with four ball cannot walk.

11. Panties not best thing on earth, but next to best thing
on earth.

12. War does not determine who is right, war determine who
is left.

13. Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat
house.

14. Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

15. It take many nails to build crib, only one screw to
fill it.

16. Man who drive like hell bound to get there.

17. Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

18. Man who live in glass house should change clothes in
basement.

19. Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

20. Man who fart in church sit in own pew.

21. Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

22. Woman who fly airplane upside down have hairy crack-up.

[cloudcity]

Cars versus computers



For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for
the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a
recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared
the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If
GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has,
we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the
gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press
release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be
driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a
day.

2. Every time t hey repainted the lines in the road, you would
have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no
reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close
all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen
the windows before you could continue. For some reason you
would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn
would cause your car to shut own and refuse to restart, in
which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was
reliable, five times! as fast and twice as easy to drive - but
would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights
would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An
Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before
deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would
lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously
lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the
radio antenna

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have
to learn how to drive all over again because none of the
controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine
off.

[cloudcity]

DEFINITION OF A BBQ

It's the only type of cooking a real man will do.
When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

1. The woman buys the food.
2. The woman makes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill -- beer in hand.
4. The man places the meat on the grill.
5. The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.
7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.
8. The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
10. Everyone praises the man and thanks him for his cooking efforts.
11. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off."

And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!

[cloudcity]

A Prayer for the Stressed


Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill today because they got on my nerves.


And also help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected to the feet I may have to kiss tomorrow.


Help me give 100% at work:
10% on Monday
20% on Tuesday
40% on Wednesday
20% on Thursday
6% on Friday
and 4% on Saturday.


And help me to remember when I’m having a bad day and it seems that people are trying to wind me up, it takes 43 muscles to frown, 28 to smile and only 4 to extend my arm and smack them in the mouth.

[cloudcity]

Useful phrases for the work-place.

1 Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you.
2. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
3. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.
4. Well, aren't we a damn ray of sunshine?
5. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.
6. Do I look like a people person?
7. This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.
8. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
9. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
10. Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control?
11. I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
12. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
13. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
14. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
15. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't gone to sleep yet!
16. Back off!! You're standing in my aura.
17. Don't worry. I forgot your name too.
18. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.
19. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
20. Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
21. Chaos, panic and disorder .. my work here is done.
22. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
23. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
24. Earth is full. Go home.
25. Aw, did I step on your poor little itty bitty ego?
26. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
27. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.
28. You are depriving some village of an idiot.
29. If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.
30. Look in my eyes ... Do you see one ounce of "gives-a-shit"

[cloudcity]

It is good to be a woman:

1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynaecological disorder excuses.
3. Taxis stop for us.
4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.
6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
8. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her rear end.
9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot.
13. We will never regret piercing our ears.
14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.

[cloudcity]

....

[cloudcity]

This old wino staggers into a bar and the barman immediately
told him to get out. The tramp said that he would only leave
if the barman gave him a cocktail stick. The barman, thinking
this was a fair exchange, gladly gave the man a cocktail stick
and watched him stagger back outside.

A minute later another old wino walked into the bar and got asked
to leave by the barman. This drunk also demanded a cocktail
stick if he was to leave quietly. There had been no trouble the
first time so, once again, the barman obliged and the old drunk
quietly left.

Soon after, a third wino came into the barman and without
hesitation the barman offered him a cocktail stick to leave.
This time though the drunk turned him down and said he would
only leave if the barman gave him a drinking straw.
Curiosity finally got the better of the barman and he asked the
old drunk why he wanted a drinking straw when the other two drunks
had asked for cocktail sticks. The wino said "Well, someone was
sick outside and all the lumpy bits have gone now!"

[cloudcity]

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I
haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
"What do you mean? I'm fine."
"What about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle at sea and a cannon
ball hit my leg but the Doc fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."
"Oh yeah? Well what about that hook? The last time I saw you, you
had both hands."
"We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was
in a sword fight and my hand was cut off but the Doc fixed me up
with the hook, and I feel great, really."
"Oh," said the bartender, "what about that eye patch? The last
time you were in here you had both eyes."
"One day when we were at sea some birds were flying over the ship.
I looked up and one of them crapped in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't have lost an
eye just from some bird crap!"
"Well, I really wasn't used to the hook yet."

[cloudcity]

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has,
you wish you had ordered that.

[cloudcity]

The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket
and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket.
Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"

"Why?" she asks.

"Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman, my wife appears
out of nowhere."

[cloudcity]

Three women were talking about their love lives.

The first said, "My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth
and sophisticated."

The second said, "Mine is like a porsche; fast and powerful."

The third said, "Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand
start and I have to jump on while it's still going."

[cloudcity]

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to
accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died.
St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first
man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an
affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all
over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out
onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man
hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer,
and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes.
So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it
crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I
died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since
it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well,
sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on
the balcony of my 26th floor apartement when I twisted my ankle
and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the
apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on
my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But,
then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really
start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

[cloudcity]

The Devil walks into a crowded bar. When the people see who it is,
they all run out except this one old man. So the devil walks up to
him and says" Do you know who I am?" and the old man sips his beer
and answers "yep". The Devil says "Well, why aren't you afraid of
me?" The old man looks over and says" I've been married to your
sister for 27 years, why the hell should I be scared of you."

[cloudcity]

This guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him and shows him the doors to three rooms and says he must choose one of the rooms to spend eternity in.

So Satan opens the first door. In the room there are people standing in shit up to their necks. The guy says "no,please show me the next room". Satan shows him the next room and this has people with shit up to their noses. And so he says no again.

Finally Satan shows him the third and final room. This time there are people in there with shit up to their knees drinking cups of tea and eating cakes. So the guy says I'll choose this room please. Satan says O.K. The guys is standing in there eating his cake and drinking his tea thinking, "well it could be worse..", when the door opens, Satan pops his head around,and says "O.K. tea-break's over. Back on your heads!"

[dober]

what do you call 2 lesbians on the rag? sorry hap and toonz cant help my self



finger painters

[Kandy44]

Good One Cloud ...You Rock !This guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him and shows him the doors to three rooms and says he must choose one of the rooms to spend eternity in.

So Satan opens the first door. In the room there are people standing in shit up to their necks. The guy says "no,please show me the next room". Satan shows him the next room and this has people with shit up to their noses. And so he says no again.

Finally Satan shows him the third and final room. This time there are people in there with shit up to their knees drinking cups of tea and eating cakes. So the guy says I'll choose this room please. Satan says O.K. The guys is standing in there eating his cake and drinking his tea thinking, "well it could be worse..", when the door opens, Satan pops his head around,and says "O.K. tea-break's over. Back on your heads!"

[cloudcity]

Thanks kanditro, I love it.

[cloudcity]

Misses, this one's for you.


A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office for a
checkup. Afterwards, the doctor took the wife aside and said,
"Unless you do the following things, your husband will surely
die." The doctor then went on to say, "Here's what you need to do."

"Every morning make sure you serve him a good healthy breakfast.
Meet him at home each day for lunch so you can serve him a well
balanced meal. Make sure you feed him a good, hot meal each
evening and don't overburden him with any stressfull conversation,
nor ask him to perform any household chores. Also, keep the house
spotless and clean so he doesn't get exposed to any threatening germs."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor said.

She replied, "You're going to die."

[Kandy44]

haha....Sounds Like a Woman .Cloud !

[cloudcity]

A teacher notices that a little boy in the back of the class
is squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention.

She goes back to find out what's up. He's quite embarrassed
and whispers that he had recently been circumcised and he's
itchy. The teacher has him go to the principals office to phone
his mom and ask her what to do.

He returns to class, sits down in his seat, and suddenly,
there's a commotion at the back of the room. Back down she goes,
only to find him sitting at desk with his penis hanging out.

The teacher said, "I thought I told you to call your mom".

"I did", the boy said, "she told me that if I could stick it
out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school".

[cloudcity]

Three couples went to New York for a weekend but didn't have
reservations. They were amazed to find only two rooms left
in the whole area. Each room had one bed. They took the rooms
and decided to have the three women share one bed and the three
men share the other. In the middle of the night, one man got up
to leave. Another man asked him, "What are you doing?"

The first man answered, "I'm going to see my wife."

The second man asked, "What do you mean you're going to see
your wife?"

The first man said, "I'm going to see my wife. I've got the
biggest erection I've ever had."

The second man said, "Well, then, take me with you."

The first man said, "Why should I take you with me?"

The second man answered, "Because you're holding MY dick."

[Kandy44]

LMAO!!!!.....That is a Riot ....hahaha

[cloudcity]

Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had
learned in Sunday School.

"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind
enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out
of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers
build a pontoon bridge, and all the people walked across
safely. The he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters
and call in an air strike. They sent in bombers to blowup
the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."

"Now, Joey, is that REALLY what your teacher taught you?"
his mother asked.

"Well, no, Mom, but if I told it the way the teacher did,
you'd never believe it."

[cloudcity]

This guy is sitting in a bar drunk, he asks the
bartender where's the bathroom at? The bartender
said, go down the hall & make a right.

Well, all of a sudden, everybody at the bar hears
this loud scream and wonders what is going on in
the bathroom. A few minutes go by again and everybody
at the bar hears another loud scream that came out
of the bathroom again.

This time the bartender goes into the bathroom to
investigate what the drunk is screaming about. He
opened the door and asked the drunk, "What's all the
screaming about in here? You are scaring all my customers
away."

The drunk said, "I'm sitting on the toilet and every
time I go to flush it, something comes up and squeezes
the hell out of my balls."

With that, the bartender opens up the door and looks
in and says, "No wonder, you're sitting on a mop bucket !!!

[cloudcity]

The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they
are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to
give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of
them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest.
They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months
of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest,
killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no
apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten
bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay, okay, I'm a rabbit, I'm a rabbit."

[Jessica]

ROFL.... awesome... i just about peed my pants on this thread!
thanks

[cloudcity]

Been a while since I posted any new stuff, so here's a bunch to make up for it.

[cloudcity]

I think I know how he feels.

[cloudcity]

Old but gold I think.

[cloudcity]

Cartoons.

[cloudcity]

and I'm definitely going to hell for this.

[rob_21_31]

Nice Cloud I just sat down and read all this thread laughed my ass off........love those pics the best though, great work keep it up man. :thumbsup:

[Kandy44]

hahaha...Your on to Us(Lol)...You Guys Got our Number !.....hahahaBeen a while since I posted any new stuff, so here's a bunch to make up for it.